An Impasse

Okay, I have a lot to say here, and none of it is exciting or inspirational.  But I'm going to have a rant anyway, because it's time.  There's so much to say.  I want to talk about blogging for a bit, and how it fits into my life or who I am or whatever.

Blogs used to be so different, circa MySpace and Livejournal.  Social media was not a constant onslaught of pretty and curated, and it wasn't targeted advertising.  Ads weren't sinister, they didn't hide and track your pages, they just popped up so obnoxiously that you knew it was a crappy spam ad.  People shared their bathroom selfies and who they had crushes on, it was all so messy.  And cringy and--here's that buzzword, authentic.  Maybe a little toooooooo real.

And that era had its issues and problems, but nowhere near what I believe we have now.  Every sponsored and mommy blogger harps on about this on their own pages...how we need to be more "real" and "candid" and "raw" they say, as they layer on ten photoshop filters and only show the slightest suggestion of messiness and fussiness.  We still need to "be positive" and "love ourselves" though...of course.  Between the disingenuous and just plain shitty life advice peddled online, and the barrage of ads EVERYWHERE (I just recently uninstalled Facebook Messenger for having ads!! WHY DOES IT NEED ADS?)  it's enough to make you want to quit social media altogether.  I am on Instagram to see photos from friends, not be sold makeup and stickers.

Anyway, my rant about social media is relevant to blogging because they're so uniquely intertwined.  If I listened to the good Internet Mothers of Creativity, I would be a 'boss babe' doing my 'business hustle' (likely with an MLM of some kind or some other treachery) and 'radiating positivity' while doing yoga and attachment parenting and blogging to my 'tribe' about being a 'mama'.  No.   To all of that. No.  It took over the world a few years ago and nothing's been the same since.  You can't blog about depression unless you put a positive spin on it.  You can't just blab out your feelings like I'm doing here, you have to c u r a t e, and compile, and schedule your posts for optimal traffic flow with the right graphics and attention-grabbing headlines and shit.

There was a time where I struggled to do this in my own small (uninterested) way, and it went as well as anything else I've ever not been interested in.  I stopped, and said screw that.  So did pretty much everyone else worth reading.  But I guess I also got kind of lost...what did I want to talk about instead?  I missed the community of blogging, but everybody had dispersed to their strong wimmin businesses and their lipstick shilling and their doula classes.  There were things I wanted to say but to no one in particular.  What I love the most about blogging is going down my list of posts and reminiscing; I'll read entries from years ago or months ago and smile about the memories or even where I was emotionally or what I was working on and it's great to get to know and relive those times.  This may sound a little conceited, but I always thought that maybe one day my kids/loved ones, if they missed me, could come read through my rants and remember how I was, or sounded, and so on.

But another conundrum presents itself.  Back in the Myspace days and even well into my blogger days, I've been comfortable with sharing or even over-sharing.  I was social online you might say, and I've gotten less so the older I've gotten.  I have no idea why this is and every time I try to analyze why that might be, someone posts something STUPID on Facebook or I get another goddamned targeted ad on Instagram and I just roll my eyes and put my phone down for another hour....so I have my answer.  I even filled out a stupid Facebook survey recently and one of the 20 or so questions was "dream job?" and I said "writer"...and lo and behold I got THREE freaking "why wait? become an author NOW!" advertisements on Facebook that week...after previously having exactly zero.

I'm already hesitant to be open online, and things like this really bring out the Gargamel in me.  I've done so many workarounds to avoid the advertising, too.  Fake emails, new browsers, ad nauseum, alternate apps on my phone that aren't "official" Facebook.  It helps, and also limits my online time, which is nice, because you know, I have better shit to do I guess.

But! How does this affect my blog presence?  Advertising is pretty much all blogging is anymore--if you've got a business, you blog about it.  If you've got a product, you blog about it.  If you travel to third world countries to be a white-people-cringefest family...you blog about it.  Blogging used to be virtual scrapbooking, but see, I don't even like scrapbooking!  I have other writing projects that span tons of server space and they're all creative writing..you know..the writing that actually matters... not like thoughts and feeelllliings, which are completely and utterly inconsequential. And yet I can't bring myself to neglect this blog.  Hence the title...an impasse.  I could say that I'll "write about whatever I want, when I feel like it" and even as I say that I can see the entries failing to make it so swiftly that I lose a year of memories.

For the time being I'm going to implement a series, which I don't usually do because I find them unispiring, but I keep reminding myself that maybe Ender will want to learn more about me when I'm dead, lol.  (Parenthood is weird.) I've compiled a list of subjects and I'll try to frequently write about them, as well as anything else I find interesting.  This blog is just as disorganized as it's ever been, so if you do read here, the inconsistency will seem normal to you!  In fact you may wonder why I'm talking so much.

I just had to get that out of my head and write it down

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