7.15.2017

Creative Burnout and Recovery

This post won't be "4 helpful tips to avoid..." or "Learn how I overcame.....!" because I don't play no clickbait.  I just wanted to chat for a bit (ok, rant for a bit) about some creative burnout, what's been on my mind, and I guess my creative headspace recently and currently.

After coming home from Sweden I really got into doing pinup.  It was something I'd always been "into" since my great and eternal love for Fallout, although my atomic age obsession starts in a way nerdier spot, with my love for chemistry, radiation, and ultimately nuclear power--but the point is, I started getting into the subculture and for a long time, found another outlet artistically.  I also really enjoyed it because after losing 60 pounds I felt great in front of a camera, took good photos, had a nice figure--who doesn't want to show off their sexy new bod amirite? Haha.

I've been to so many car shows and contests since.  I relished the opportunities to get out of an EMT uniform and go put on my petticoats.  I even started doing decent winged liners and victory rolls. (Okay, subpar, not totally decent, but they passed inspection) and for someone who considers a ponytail an updo, this is practically magic.  I met a few nice people, got into the cars and car culture in a way I hadn't before, felt 'glam' in a way I hadn't before, and as with all artistic endeavors one pursues out of love, got inspired to up my game.

It's really weird though, usually when I get inspired to up my game, I'm eager to do better.  And in endeavors like painting, it's frustrating because I feel like I plateau and can't do better.  It's really hard to shake up a hobby you've been into since you could read.  So with painting, writing, piano, photography--I try really hard, push myself, get inspired, taper off....rinse and repeat.  It's like a very long race.  However in 2017 everything stalled.  My camera lens broke.  My body changed proportions and I no longer felt good in a circle skirt (I feel more like a circus tent.)  I haven't felt like writing in forever--not sure why, it just hasn't been there.  Nothing groundbreaking happened on the painting front.  Just a bunch of Till Lindemann doodles because I am trash.


But pinup was especially dragging me down and bumming me out.  What used to be fun just wasn't fun anymore.  I used to hungrily follow other models photoshoots and be just amazed and wowed and charmed and inspired.  Those feelings turned to "Meh."  Same with my own photos--in fact I didn't even want photos taken anymore.  (See the circus tent comment.)  Car show days were sour days.  If I have to hear one more person tell me how inspiring Bettie Page was--she had schizophrenia guys, it's not a story of empowerment and girl power, it's a story of a debilitating illness marked by years of suffering with no relief!!!!--I just felt like I was stalling in a place I didn't enjoy and wasn't connecting with the scene.

I tried for months to ignore this and smile my way through it like I suppose a good pinup does.  All the while the rest of my creativity plodded along.  I painted here and there.  I made Allyn some shoes for Father's Day, and doodled a bit.  I've written here on the blog, albeit not routinely.  I've spent time in nature: usually the best way in the world to recharge my batteries.  But this time it seems like I'm dragging my feet.  The energy loss as I moved into the third trimester really caught up with me.


 

And all around me, almost suffocatingly, is the pinup world that I loved and felt gave me nothing at all.  Like I say, I tend to get inspired by that suffocation, that's what artists do.  You just have to get it out of your system, but this time it had the opposite effect.  It wasn't just the attitude of some of the people involved, either.  Actually, my very last car show was a fantastic experience.  I went to Helper, Utah and won an awesome piece of art and participated in an insanely fun contest with awesome girls--it was a dream--and I was still burned out at the end of it.  Modeling before had been so fun, but that day I barely allowed any photos.

I have no idea how much of this is due to pregnancy, and moving to a new phase in life and taking on a new role.  Probably a lot.  But I just can't ignore all of the issues in the pinup community.  I suddenly decided that I didn't want to, and went on a cleanout.  I wiped and unfollowed and put at the back of my closet (and mind) all of the photoshoots and models and dresses and victory rolls and red lips.  I was so scared that this made me a failure, until I actually did it and breathed THE BIGGEST SIGH of relief.  Sometimes you don't even know how bad the thorn in your side is hurting until it's gone.


There was a time where this would've puzzled me and I would have spent too much time trying to analyze and breakdown where I went wrong in the creative process and trying to problem solve how to bring back the spark and the joy and chasing after that outlet, but happily that time in my life is over.  I don't even care.  If something is not working for me, it's not working for me and I can't force it.  I can't force an uninspiring hobby any more than I can force a dull or poisonous relationship.  So I'm just not going to.

I washed my hands of the burnout and figured I'd just be that boring lady adding things to her Target baby registry in the meantime, waiting for inspiration to come back.  It has, in a big and unexpected way.  Allyn and I first became friends while he helped me figure out my Valkyrie costume last year; it seems with him around there's always some creative thing that we can do together, even with me hugely pregnant and fat and both of us sleep deprived.

Today (Saturday, July 15) there's a Halloween-themed event in Magna, Utah, and Allyn and I have gathered the equipment to dress up and go.  We are both Halloween/costume fanatics (duh) and we both have a background in special effects makeup--he's way more enthusiastic than me--but his enthusiasm and knowledge rubs off on me in the right inspirational way.  It's almost like we feed off each other's creativity and I can't tell you how special it is to have a partner like that.

I think it's a relief to remind myself that pinup isn't my identity.  I'm not one of those girls who lives and breathes 40's and 50's.  Not that there's anything wrong with that--there absolutely is not.  But I'm just an artist, and a costumer, and a cosplayer, and a makeup artist, and a painter, and a writer, and a bunch of stuff.  If something isn't working for me I can move on to the next thing that works.  It's refreshing, and removes that negative suffocation I was feeling.


I don't believe in that "The Universe" stuff, but I will admit it was pretty reaffirming to see that shortly after I said "eff this" to trying to grin and bear it and keep up with a scene that was doing me no joy, I got a few requests to make custom painted shoes (Allyn is a good model) and there was this email:





So, until next time!










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