8.26.2016

Post-Birthday Thoughts and Goals

Well, I celebrated my last-ever birthday this past week.  No, you don't need to call the white coats (on second thought, do anyway) but I turned 29 and my beloved aunt told me when I was small that she had been 29 for a few decades.  Doris was right about most things so I will trust her on this.  Plus, my boss, Toby, vehemently denied having any happiness after turning 30 and said it was "depressing as hell" and he's pretty smart too.  So this was it.  The Grand Finale.  It's been fun, life.


The so called grand finale was spent at work over the weekend.  It was quiet.  I was visited at work by my favorite coworker and it just made my day.  Everyone at work wished me a happy birthday (and told me congratulations on the saving of my cat.)  I opened some presents from Derik and Niki and Henri, and slept afterward.  I got a cake and everything.  I loved on Flemeth, the world's best birthday present, and was happy.  Everyone kept asking if I had plans and I just shrugged.  Truthfully sometimes it's nice to just sit back and revel in how nice things are.  Especially when you're an introvert and the past week was filled with me desperately trying to save my animal.  And since I had such a busy June and July--this was the perfect sendoff for my 28th year.

I can't believe I'm 29.  I still remember saying "I'm 22" like it was just a few months ago.  I remember turning 25 in Sweden and riding roller coasters with the Schlyters--definitely one of my favorite birthdays to date.  I have no complaints about working on the day (though I whined to Toby for a week beforehand just to make him feel bad.  It didn't work, I'm pretty sure he's part Vulcan.) and I hope that inner peace stays with me for a bit before the holidays show up and ruin my mental state and give me my natural sour disposition.

Goals

I usually take birthday time to reflect on my goals for the year and set new ones--it's actually how I count years, instead of going by the new year.  So most resolution-making comes August 21.  This year I had already made quite a few positive......epiphanies? I don't know what to call them, fundamental life truths? Anyway, they were there and I was happy about it, but I always need something to be working on, no matter how good things feel. I found my answer in therapy (haha, no seriously, go to therapy, it's great.)

It's hard to sum up but I have the need to share and express my past.  With others.  I thought I had done that already, but everything keeps brimming up and I need to talk about it more or work on it more.  I've already mentioned here that I'm going to be posting more foster care stuff, but I decided after therapy to make a tangible effort to share however I can, whether that's here, another book, artwork, or whatever it is I need to do to calm that part of me.

I always struggle with creating because I feel that I'm not good enough and that no one cares.  This is especially true with painting because I paint what's "comfortable."  I hardly make art that is outside my comfort zone and I don't paint often.  I'm afraid of seeing something I'm ashamed of, which is silly, because it was all shameful when I was young, haha.  But it is what it is.  I recommitted to making art, and specifically, complex art that showcases events or emotions from my past, (in other words, relevant art and not flowers and pictures of Till Lindemann but let's be honest those will happen also) and lo and behold, just when I found my will to create, Derik turned around and bought me a graphics tablet.

I literally choked up when I saw it.  I remember when I got into deviantart quite a few years ago and wanted one SO BADLY.  I gave up on it when again, I saw others' digital art, and my traditional art and thought, I'll never make anything like that.  I think in those times, when the self-doubt isn't just a tape recorder playing sounds that we mindlessly listen to, when it's more than that and it's an inner crippling fear and shame, what helps more than anything is to have someone else believe in us and show or tell us, "You are capable."  It helps if the person actually knows you, and Derik knows me better than anyone.  I cried, because opening that tablet was him saying that he believes in my art and creativity.

I do have another goal for the year; go to school, but we'll talk about that some other time.  For now, shitty tablet drawings of Till Lindemann and my cats!

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