4.23.2016

I Have Unpopular Opinions v.3

Well, this is long overdue.
Standby for crankyness.  At least to offset my sour disposition, I found a single full-body shot of myself!  LOOK AT THE THIGHS. I HAVE SOME JUICY THIGHS.




Link to Version 1
Link to Version 2

Body hair is not female empowerment.   Like....Since when?  I had no idea "activism" included LITERALLY doing nothing but letting your hair grow.  And there's all these cutesy photos of naked women with leg hair.  Listen if you don't want to shave, please don't.  But don't consider yourself some women's rights saint.  You're not funding education in the Middle East or busting up female circumcision rings, you're literally just not shaving your legs/pits/whatever.  Not inspirational.  Hell, I do it without even thinking (I looked at my legs the other day while they were next to a male friend's and he only had about 1/4'' on me....whoops) DO I GET AN ACTIVISM COOKIE TOO?

People need to leash their damn dogs.  Don't care.  This is non-negotiable.  It's not that I'm afraid of your dog.  I love dogs.  I love your dog more than you do, I bet. It's that your dog is a sentient being that you literally cannot control no matter how good he or she is "trained."  It's for your dog's safety as well as everyone else's.  And it's the DAMN LAW. STOP BREAKING THE LAW.  PUT YOUR DOG ON A LEASH.  I actually have a story about how I confronted someone with this the other day.  I'll make a periscope rant about it soon.  (ps yes I'm on periscope GO FOLLOW MEEEE)

Social media sucks now.  I remember when Pinterest was new! SO MANY FUN THINGS! Now it's like Buzzfeed "10 ways to slop up raw egg!"  "15 tricks to help put baking soda up your butt" "try this one weird trick to get your husband to stop cheating on you!" talk about disappointment..... and Facebook--dude I've been on Facebook since it opened and you had to have an. edu email to join.  It was totally different then!  Even in the last year or so, those damn algorithms and advertising....totally ruined it all.  (Except Myspace.  Know what ruined Myspace? Myspace did.  RIP in peace Myspace)  Some days I really just want to pull my hair out, eat it, and then smash my phone.  One reason I'm not a "successful" or monetizing blogger is because I can't be fucked to just post the same damn link on ten sites, hashtag it properly, keep up with my analytics, pay $5 here and there to Facebook to "boost" my post....goddamn corporations.  So now, whenever I see a "HUHUAREUADDICTED TO SOCIAL MEDIA!!!?!?!?" It's like ....no.  Not really.  Please give me back the days of 100 pop up ads, myspace, limewire, and rotten.com.  Things were simpler then.

Basic bitch clothes are theeeeee best.  Know why yoga pants are so comfy?  Because they are made with a gusseted crotch...I'm not going to post a picture, but if you're curious, have a look (it made me giggle to link this, and shows that I'm an immature piece of shit) picture is a pants-crotch, so maybe NSFW? Anyway, the point is, they are actually tailored better than standard pants.  (Unless you buy fancy pants.  I don't.)  Yoga pants are the most wonderful thing on earth, both men and women agree, and know what's even better? Yoga pants, fluffy boots, scarf, cuppa, and a gigantic bun.  There yep I said it.  I'm a basic bitch.  Seriously though, when I'm not dressed up in an actual dress, you will find me looking like the POSTER CHILD of boring white girl.  I got my unique butterfly fashion phase out of the way along with my Wednesday Addams phase (just kidding I'm still there half the time) and unlike most hipster girls I know, I've never had an old bag lady/gypsy phase.  I spent too many years on a farm to have a rustic/cowgirl wannabe phase.  There are two modes of style for this lady---extravagant beautiful dresses, or yoga pants and a tank.   No in-between.  I have no shame.  I HAVE EMBRACED MY INNER BASIC BITCH.

I'm sick of winged liner.  While we're on personal style gripes, I hate winged liner.  It's so overly-exaggerated these days, never subtle, and you can't find a makeup tutorial without it.  It doesn't look good on me, or on MOST girls with hooded lids, and it's supposed to be a dress-up makeup, not an everyday look.  I only pull up a cateye when I'm dressed pin-up (and even then, most girls don't realize that the cat-eye is late 50's early 60's.  NOT 30s/40s goddammit!) I'm just flat out bored of it.  Yeah, yeah, it's "timeless."  So, some other trends have room to come in don't they? Shit.  For that matter, I'm just sick of the 2016 makeup period.  Big eagle winged eyebrows, winged liner, the same shitty butthole-colored lipstick, no blush but ten shades of grey contour...I'm over it.  Next.


My hair is reflective of my personality.  Seems like every bitch who has a phone, camera, and instagram (all of us) has to write about dyeing/cutting their hair and how "it's just hair!"  "It'll grow back!" "so empowering!" Again, what is it with hair and some kind of radical effect these girls think it has? The people doing this are literally contradicting themselves.  If it was "just hair" they would buzz it with no comment or selfie and never mention it again.  Making it a feminist/social issue is so.....no.  Go distribute birth control to Indian women if you're bout that life.  Anywho, on the flipside of that, I COMPLETELY DISAGREE.  My hair DOES define me.  My hair is an extension of me.  My hair is the world to me!  It's everything I aspire to be.  Long, silky, feminine, it smells good, it's a beautiful color, it's a status symbol.  I grew up with very little, but the one thing everyone in my family--dad, mom, sister, and I--all had, was absolutely enviable and gorgeous, long, perfect hair.  I did the EMPOWURIN' thing yeaaaaaaars ago before #effyourbeautystandardsherpderp was even a thing, and when I saw my short hair I cried for days.  Never again.  Never.  Sue me.   Also, I feel that the whole "it's just hair" argument is pretty rude towards those who don't have a choice.  People who endure chemo or have medical conditions (thyroid, diabetes, lupus) that cause hair loss probably don't appreciate those snotty little disdainful comments of why hair is supposedly so unimportant.

Making milk isn't a super power.  I saw a woman with this ridiculous shirt awhile back at a park and it took a lot of willpower to not drown her in the duck pond.  Few points to this.  Firstly, milk coming out of tits is not a new thing.  That's literally been the case since homo erectus (1.3 million years) and even before that.  It's not new.  It's not groundbreaking.  My mother breastfed four children and somehow did it without parading it around on shirts.  It's just a thing!  Why must every single tiny thing that we first world people do, matter in some huge way?  Are we that hard up for feeling relevant?  Secondly, it's not even unique to humans.  Like you know, complex algebra, or music....it's something that horses and pigs and mice do.  Mammary glands..you know...like...mammals.  And even if it is pretty cool, which personally--sure! Making milk is pretty cool! Good job evolution----guess who else can make milk? Men.  Babies.  When babies lactate, called "witch's milk", it's for the same reason that women (and men!) do.  Hormones.  That's all you need, folks.  Hormones.  Sometimes they come from pregnancy, or from drinking breastmilk (in the case of babies) or from endocrine issues, or because some guy wants to lactate so let 'em. Basically it's not limited to females so again, cut the empowerment crap.  And same with the hair thing--what about those women who can't breastfeed for whatever reason?  It's like the skinny/curves argument.  For some reason everything has to be an either/or.  You're not "better" than a skinny girl because you have curves, you're not "better" than a long haired girl because you had the gonads to cut your damn hair, you're not "better" than us pre-pubescent looking dames with shaved body parts, you're not "better" because you breastfeed.
LAY OFF

okay phew that was a fantastic rant bye i love you guyes


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