There Is No Ladder // The Sadness

I really hate consistently giving updates about my (lack of) mental health so I am just going to say something, and this will be a venomous rant aimed at nothing in particular, so there's no bullet points, sorry.  I recently found out that after Van Gogh (probably) shot himself, while he lay there dying, one of the last phrases he uttered was to his brother.

"The sadness will last forever." 

The quote really struck me.....little did I know in a few weeks I would be reminded of that in the worst way.  I hate this disorder.  I absolutely despise it. It's a disease.  No grand epiphany or breakthrough, unless you count the one where I realized that I am never going to get better, never going to be "healthy".  It's not going to happen.


I Have Unpopular Opinions v.3

Well, this is long overdue.
Standby for crankyness.  At least to offset my sour disposition, I found a single full-body shot of myself!  LOOK AT THE THIGHS. I HAVE SOME JUICY THIGHS.


PTSD and Eye Contact

I remember vividly the first time it was brought to my attention that I didn't make eye contact.  A well-meaning foster mother told me after dinner one night that I seemed nervous and never looked anyone in the eyes.  She correctly guessed that this was due to my upbringing and urged me to try making eye contact with her.  "You can't go through life not looking at people," she said.  "They'll think you can't be trusted."

I agreed with this and yet when I attempted to look her in the eyes, I got extremely uncomfortable.  I couldn't do it.  I nearly started crying after half a minute of this.  I didn't understand what was wrong with me, I only knew that I felt as though I were naked and someone was pointing a gun at my forehead.  After years of frustration I not only learned why I have problems with eye contact, but what to do about it, and how to fake "trustworthiness" as it were. 


Caregivers and professionals are taught that children avoiding eye contact is a sign of trauma as early as 1 year old.  Think about it...eye contact is one of the first things humans learn, long before walking and talking.  It's one of the oldest and most subconscious forms of communication.  It's also one of the best--we humans can read faces amazingly well.  Children who deal with abuse are taught that avoiding eye contact gives them a better chance at avoiding attacks by their abuser.


Currently in April

I was chugging along at my usual snail's pace this morning, and noticed I hadn't posted since April 9...what? (I did guest post for Mariko though! Go read it!) But then, I realized that it was April 15 and my literal reaction was:


I should probably be thankful that life is hurrying along because I don't exactly love the spot in life I'm in right now--it's not terrible, but as you'll read, better things are hopefully on their way...but I mean, I hadn't even given my taxes a thought and had to file them, bleary-eyed and nodding off to a cup of coffee at 10am today (after working a graveyard shift from 0000-0800.) Yikes.  But, earlier I had gotten caught up on Angie's latest check-in and wanted to write my own, because apparently April is half over and I (and Utah) still think it's February.  SNOW AGAIN UTAH WHY


Makeup Tips for Low Maintenance Gals

I feel that two or three years ago, I would have been THE WORST person to ever write about makeup...ever.  I had no clue about application and could've cared less.  The truth was that I felt even with makeup I didn't look good.  Turns out, that's because I didn't know how to put it on or what to do with my face, haha!  When I lived in Sweden I really learned about self-care and makeup.  Those Swedes always look so damned put together.  Even a late-night cough syrup jaunt, and they were ready for the runway.  Bitches! (I love you, beautiful Swedes.)  Like my weird Swenglish lilt and walking several miles every day, I adapted and began to learn about makeup/beauty, and now while I'm by no means a "makeup guru" or even someone who considers herself a makeup hobbyist, I can damn sure tell other low maintenance girls how to fake looking glamorous.

So, if you're like me and prefer a more natural look, or, have low skills and no time or interest in going full magazine glam but still want to turn heads, here is my top advice.


April Goals

I have always wanted to participate in Angie's Monthly Goals, but I always find myself noticing it's a new month about three weeks into the month.  Oh time, that human-created fickle constraint....

But I am so ready for April, because March and everything prior has been so hard.  Let's forget for a moment that I was on the downswing of the most intense mental battle I've had in my life, but I had also just made the decision to change jobs, to stay in America for awhile, and was going through a pay gap while I waited for my new job to start.  Plus I was learning the new job, which is always stressful, and even moreso while waiting on a paycheck stutter.  Then my best friend ended up in the hospital, my kitten exploded into destructive puberty, and it was my mom's birthday month.  Oh, and did I mention we got two more substantial snows?  I get it, it's good for the watershed, that's fantastic Utah, but MAYBE JUST RAIN IN SPRING.  Get your shit out of here March.  I wash my hands of you.

Onto April it is.