I knew I wanted to write a bit today, but have so much on my mind it's not going to come out in a pretty way--then I was lucky enough to find this entry over on Go Fox Yourself. I'm all for thought-provooking "life" questions if I'm going to do a survey....so here we go. Thanks Kim! (And go check out her post..and if you do these, send me the link.)
If I were to die tomorrow, would I feel satisfied with my life?
I can't be satisfied with something I don't understand and haven't even wanted for a few years now. That may make me sound like a stupid cynic, but it's true. It would be like seeing some strange interpretive dance with people shouting in incomprehensible languages, mixed in with a few kissing scenes and some cats. If I look at that as a third person, and then get asked "are you satisfied with this?" I would have no way of answering...what am I measuring the satisfaction on? What am I supposed to do with this mess? Clap? Laugh, cry? Eat it? I don't get it.
What is my unique value proposition?
Nothing, really. "We are not special. We are not crap or trash either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens." No fate, no magical destiny, no divine purpose and by that extension, no "special unique gift to the world." And value is very subjective, I think. If we're going by "things I can offer" then that's a bit more relevant--I am a good writer, a good speaker, a good painter, and a fantastic mother to my cat. I've been told I'm a good listener, and a good kisser. I'm also good at recognizing and interpreting symbolism in literature and visual art. So I got that goin' for me.
Who inspires me most?
This is going to sound stupid again, but without a doubt it's Till Lindemann. It's not just because I find him the perfect vision of what a man should be, but mostly I think it's his extreme emotional intelligence, acknowledgement of how difficult life can be, and how he turns all of that emotion into music that isn't just funny or just sad or just shocking--it's a mixture of everything. I love reading his poetry, and I love the things he explains and means in his songs. I actually wrote a huge breakdown of his single "Praise Abort" on my Tumblr so if you're interested into just how much I look to him, it's a slight glimpse.
I guess I use Till as a lot of things--comforting man hunk, a writer who "gets it", the symbol of a group that has been a part of my life longer than most things in my life have existed...a creative genius. The list goes on.
Why do I get up in the morning?
For Flemeth. For my other kitties. And lately, to see the sunshine and hope that I can actually fix the yard and garden.
How much did I learn today?
I don't measure my knowledge accumulated by days, but I can think of the last important thing that I learned...actually there have been two important things, both in the last week. The most important thing is that I should be grateful for what I do have instead of wanting more--because my old "wants" are my current "haves." When you think back on the time that you soooooooo wanted that relationship or that apartment or that bond...and now you have it. It makes you feel like an ass for wanting more and not pausing to be overwhelmingly grateful for the "I have"s. I'll talk about the second thing I learned later.
Who do I love, and have I told or showed them lately?
I love Flemeth and I hope I show it enough--I'm looking into building a "catio" in the yard because he has now had a taste of the great outdoors and is dying to go outside 24-7. I love Derik and he better damn well know it because I am still around, haha. I have no idea how to show him that I care because he knows me far too well--he just knows. And I love Robert, and I would hope that by me visiting him in the hospital (even when he explicitly told me not to haha) that he knows I care. But again, like Derik and for that matter all of my friends who actually know me on the deepest level, I think it's just a "you know it or you don't" thing. If I love you, you know. If you aren't sure, then guess what, I probably don't love you.
What is my definition of success?
Productivity. I've thought about this for many years. Back when I went on my CBT and self-love journey in 2013 I defined it then, and felt some pride because I had "met" that definition. But life is like the tide, blah blah blah, and I'm never satisfied with where I'm at productivity wise. In the end it's probably a chronic coping mechanism and will only be worked out of me by lots of more expensive therapy (expensive, but worth it.) Productivity--whether by being a good EMT and helping, or by creating, writing, painting....or volunteering....making something, somewhere, somehow...that is how I measure my own success.