I seem to perpetually go through patternless cycles of destroying parts of myself, re-examining what's left, clinging onto some shards of what I believe or feel that I am, and the rest of the time, assuming I know the answers to things I don't know the answers to, and learning the hard way that I know nothing and should better prepare for the unknown. And this year more fervently and with more reckless abandon than any other, I seemed to tear down those old parts and ended up building something that I no longer recognize as either good, bad, myself, or not myself. I don't know what I am or who I am.
I don't believe I have the answers anymore. Maybe I was myself from the start, and I'm just in a boat, drifting farther away from whatever that was with each passing year.
Good things and bad things happened this year. When I think back on it, the good outweighed the bad. I met an extraordinary person, got a job that fulfilled me and defined me and destroyed me in a way I didn't think was possible, realized a lifelong dream of having an amazing home, spent a lot of time with a lot of wonderful friends, and best of all, found a tiny little being that trusted and loved me, and I her.
I don't know or care what will happen next year. I will just continue my process of living, however self-destructive and harmful and pointless it might be.