One of the great things about song lyrics is that they can make things click for us that..well...didn't click without them. Or maybe it's just me? I love listening to the symbolism in songs, but it takes a really special one to make me feel like, yeah, that was written about me. But it happened, and surprise surprise, Till Lindemann was the songwriter.
As much as I fawn over Rammstein I can't say that I PERSONALLY connect to a lot of their themes, I just enjoy them. In fact, the last song they wrote that I personally related to is "Haifisch" (irony) and that song has been out for years. Anyway, Till released his amazing solo album this week, and one of the songs really touched me, and made me rethink what I've been feeling about myself lately.
Finally after all these years, I'm getting help for my PTSD (very expensive help) and let me tell you, I know why people put that shit off for years or forever. Nothing makes you feel broken and battered like facing how broken and battered you are. I mean, really staring into your own face and admitting, just a few years from thirty, that you are pretty much a decade or more behind developmental-wise, to other people. And not only that, but you essentially have the coping skills of a skittish zebra in the wild: run, or give up and accept death at any moment.
That's why this song got to me. Here are some of the lyrics:
I don't think there's a more cheesy and sweet romantic line than "your heart is a diamond" but that's echoed immediately by the less glamorous reality of diamonds--this heart is a diamond because it was crushed together by 'pressure'. The lyrics acknowledge the darker side of the person that he loves, and then go on to say "I will wait and stay".
For some reason it just made me feel....well, valuable. That you can have a pretty fucked up heart or mind or past or whatever, and still be someone worth something. Not just worth something, but a diamond.
I don't really do the whole "turn your mental illness into something special" thing, that's ridiculous. Imagine telling a person with diabetes to turn their illness into what makes them unique and beautiful. That's about how dumb it sounds. But this song doesn't really do that, it admits up front that there was a lot of suffering taking place for the beauty to occur. And the person the lyrics speak of is called cold, and concealed. I can relate to that as well.
The crazier thing is that I feel better now...even though I'm tearing down all of these walls and there are some ugly moments, and even more ugly moments to come, I finally feel like I'm more comfortable with a girl who is struggling to stay sane, and admits she's not, than all those years I spent hating myself and pretty much everybody else due to the trauma in my past. I'd like to think it shows, as well.
I think I was ....19 in that older photo. Here I am almost ten years later and I swear, maybe it's just me but I look younger. There's something gone from my face (and not just the poor makeup skills.) This isn't the first photo comparison where I look better after putting myself through the ringer and learning to love myself--I'll post another for another day. I just think it's great that the way I treat myself on the inside sometimes finds its way to how I look on the outside.
Edit: I'm going to link up with Angie for this, since it's music-related!