That's My Heart

One of the great things about song lyrics is that they can make things click for us that..well...didn't click without them.  Or maybe it's just me?  I love listening to the symbolism in songs, but it takes a really special one to make me feel like, yeah, that was written about me. But it happened, and surprise surprise, Till Lindemann was the songwriter.

As much as I fawn over Rammstein I can't say that I PERSONALLY connect to a lot of their themes, I just enjoy them.  In fact, the last song they wrote that I personally related to is "Haifisch" (irony) and that song has been out for years.  Anyway, Till released his amazing solo album this week, and one of the songs really touched me, and made me rethink what I've been feeling about myself lately.

Finally after all these years, I'm getting help for my PTSD (very expensive help) and let me tell you, I know why people put that shit off for years or forever.  Nothing makes you feel broken and battered like facing how broken and battered you are.  I mean, really staring into your own face and admitting, just a few years from thirty, that you are pretty much a decade or more behind developmental-wise, to other people.  And not only that, but you essentially have the coping skills of a skittish zebra in the wild: run, or give up and accept death at any moment.

That's why this song got to me.  Here are some of the lyrics:

I don't think there's a more cheesy and sweet romantic line than "your heart is a diamond" but that's echoed immediately by the less glamorous reality of diamonds--this heart is a diamond because it was crushed together by 'pressure'.  The lyrics acknowledge the darker side of the person that he loves, and then go on to say "I will wait and stay".

For some reason it just made me feel....well, valuable.  That you can have a pretty fucked up heart or mind or past or whatever, and still be someone worth something.  Not just worth something, but a diamond.

I don't really do the whole "turn your mental illness into something special" thing, that's ridiculous.  Imagine telling a person with diabetes to turn their illness into what makes them unique and beautiful.  That's about how dumb it sounds.  But this song doesn't really do that, it admits up front that there was a lot of suffering taking place for the beauty to occur.  And the person the lyrics speak of is called cold, and concealed.  I can relate to that as well.

The crazier thing is that I feel better now...even though I'm tearing down all of these walls and there are some ugly moments, and even more ugly moments to come, I finally feel like I'm more comfortable with a girl who is struggling to stay sane, and admits she's not, than all those years I spent hating myself and pretty much everybody else due to the trauma in my past.  I'd like to think it shows, as well.

I think I was ....19 in that older photo.  Here I am almost ten years later and I swear, maybe it's just me but I look younger.  There's something gone from my face (and not just the poor makeup skills.)  This isn't the first photo comparison where I look better after putting myself through the ringer and learning to love myself--I'll post another for another day.  I just think it's great that the way I treat myself on the inside sometimes finds its way to how I look on the outside.

Edit: I'm going to link up with Angie for this, since it's music-related!


  1. It's so interesting to me how songs and lyrics can crystallize truths for us that we may not be able to access otherwise.
    So glad to hear that you are getting help and it's showing. There's an openness to your face now. My friend who got me interested in meditation had a similar change in his face. It's fascinating how intertwined our physical, mental and spiritual health can be. I think that for the first 20 years of life I lived primarily in my head, but through studying martial arts and meditation I'm learning to appreciate how much living can happen on a bodily/experiential level.

    1. Hey you! Yes I totally agree--I almost feel silly for needing a song to remind me of these things, but that's one of the many benefits of music. And oh yes our physical and mental/emotional health is all together. It's crazy. I couldn't believe the difference in my pictures.

      I think it's so cool that you are into martial arts :D For me a big part of getting the physical part connected was losing weight/going to the gym...It's still a work in progress, and always will be I'm sure, but it's like my body isn't some shell that houses me, it IS me...maybe that makes sense. I only know I take a lot better care of it :)

  2. Those are great lyrics. And girl, I know what you mean... I'm in therapy now and my therapist is great, but you can go in there feeling good and then walk out remembering all the stuff you had to talk about and be like-jesus I'm messed up. It's painful. I can only hope it's helping, I think it is, for me anyway.

    1. Thank you!! And yes that's exactly how I feel. I actually questioned my decision because my boss escorts me from my therapist every week (long story) and he sees how shaken up I get after coming out of her office and I think he was worried it was doing more damage than good. I'm glad I stuck with it though, because the more often and longer you confront those things, I think the less they haunt you? Maybe? It's seeming that way to me now, at least.

      I hope it's going well for you too <3