8.04.2013

Living In The Past? Rainy Stockholm

It's been rainy in Stockholm and I have been feeling great for a few reasons: I'm finally off the meds and feeling kind of normal, I'm feeling HAPPY and I never take those times for granted, I'm still celebrating my little ebook victory (which just hit 12 copies, thank you guys!!! omg!!) I'm in the talks of another foster care project, and life is just better when it's rainy!!!  Also, hey guys guess what.

16 days until my birthday.

yeah.

So anyway I've been pondering on this digging back into your past versus living in your past concept since writing that book.  Or rather finishing it, as most of it was written months ago and I just gave up because the subject material was too deep and disturbing for me.  The thing is, foster youth who grow up and become "normal" all have to do the same thing...they have to take their past and put it in a black box and put it on a shelf.  Kind of like all the people in the M. Night Shamamalalhahaya movie The Village.  And that's how we get through the days....being fundamentally weird, but hiding that part and fitting in, becoming normal.

If I decide to take this further, to work or volunteer with foster children, I am going to be digging up that crap on a daily basis.  Just the smidgen it took to write that book or to write my blog series on foster care was so taxing I needed a week long coffee break and detox and a mountain of chocolate.  But isn't that the good thing to do, the right thing to do?  Bust down the wall of the past and be comfortable with it?  I don't know how serious I can make it to people who haven't gone through this....we would literally not be functioning adults if it wasn't for our ability to block stuff like this out.  Even people who didn't go through foster care can relate to this, for sure.  We all have our little black boxes.  Some are just reeeeally dangerous to open.

But maybe it's because I'm in a good mood...I think I can allow this to happen and I think I can deal with it.  I realize that I have a lot of good in my life and a lot of accomplishments to draw on if I feel like my past is too sickeningly depressing.  And my will to help others in my situation and similar situations is strong, so I can cope.  Maybe this step is the next step I should take and maybe I'm ready for it.  I feel like it's that way.

Also, Madi gave me a good strategy: instead of pulling the box down and tearing it open and letting demons run rampant, maybe I "keep the bad stuff filed away in ziplock plastic bags and then when it's needed, pull it out and show it and look at it through the plastic, but then put it back in the box when time is up."  Certainly gives me more control of the situation to think like that.


I don't remember anymore how many foster homes I've been in...
I realize that the faces and times I went through have faded away.
Even the dark times of my childhood, most of the time, are hazy and painful
only every so often, when I'm emotional anyway.

If I need to remember something, I can do so and I think I can do it
in a way that will allow me to forget about it afterward. Or not let the
memory control my emotional state.  I'm ready to move forward and
use my past to help kids who need a brighter outlook on the future.  




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