However long ago I caught wind of a post mentioning this short article on self love and how society has twisted us into first thinking there's nothing to love, but now thanks to the 'revolution' loving yourself is something you're supposed to be doing. I had never thought of it that way, but there's a huge point in there that I completely agree with and am relieved to hear someone else say.
I can't pinpoint how much of my self-hate has been because of myself versus other people or society and culture. I know both are involved and I can't pin all the blame on one thing or the other, even if I'd want to, to start understanding WHY I feel so worthless and stupid/ugly/etc etc. But truth to tell I hardly set foot on Tumblr because other than freezing my browser with its 230841208 gifs and burning my eyes with its horrible layout, you kind of get taken aside by a group of fat sassy tattooed girls and they open your mouth and shove in LOVE THE FUCK OUT OF YOURSELF SISTER. YOUR BODY IS A PERFECT BEAUTIFUL TEMPLE AND IF ANYONE LOOKS AT YOU THE WRONG WAY PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SET THEM ON FIRE. ALSO EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT AND ALSO YOU'RE A SPECIAL UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE AND YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF IF YOU EVER WANT ANYTHING OF QUALITY TO APPEAR IN YOUR LIFE.
I don't blame them, at all. We all approach finding ourselves different ways. Mine is done while crying and looking out a rainy window while Hans Zimmer soundtracks play and I'm basically a few steps away from being in some emo B-movie about awkward female leads and the indescribable love they have for cats. But the point I'm making is that when you go to research self-love, the majority of resources are very in-your-face and kind of Richard Simmonsy about what you need to do.
But I mean, think about people with confidence, whether it's you or someone you know. Even if they do have confidence, they're "conditioned" to have not too much, or they're "cocky" and full of themselves. It's not a virtue by today's standards to be rolling around in ecstasy with how wonderful you are. Why do we hate it when people adore themselves? Is it because they're faking it? Or because they're stupid and aren't special? or are we jealous? I don't even know anymore. What I do know is that nobody who is confident is like that all the time. It's not a steady thing. I don't think self-love is a daily reality for anyone, because we all have shit days where we want to stick our heads in the oven and smash the door a few times. Also, anyone who knows anything about confidence will tell you a big thing is "fake it until you make it" and goddammit that shit is HARD TO DO. I don't care. It's hard. It's hard to feel pretty when you are really feeling ugly, hard to laugh when you really want to cry, very hard to talk yourself into liking yourself when your insides are ready to put a gun to your head. It's hard.
Just hearing (or reading) those words--it's not a responsibility--makes me feel better. This is something I decided to do for myself. I want to do it to be a happier version of me, and potentially a better version of me. It's self-conditioning but sometimes even if you want something, the way other people TELL YOU THAT YOU NEED TO DO IT FOR FUCK'S SAKE WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FORRRRRRR can really just be a huge rain cloud. When I saw "it's not a responsibility" I breathed a big sigh of relief and reminded myself why I even wanted this in the first place. It truly helped.