Zoloft contributed to suicidal feelings in the past, and I wasn't sure but I felt like it may have been at least partly to blame for the bad anxiety I had in May/June, not to mention a second round of depression that decided to shit on my life just when Madi turned up in Sweden. So out of my lionly pride, I stopped the pills. That just left me on my thyroid medicine, which has been the same dose and same brand since I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism over a year ago.
And things have been...well....I've been angry. Short-tempered, and full of rage, and almost like my blood is boiling underneath my skin. On the one hand, it's nice to be something other than depressed, but on the other hand, who wants to be annoyed and irritated all the time? Certainly not me, because dangerous anger runs in my family and nothing reminds me of my dad more than wanting to go on a murdering spree with an axe and a dose of peyote. (I can't confirm he's ever done this, but I'm suspecting it anyway.)
To me, I'm so used to feeling like a fuck-up and an indecent human, anger is just another thing to tick off on the list of "emotions alex cannot handle like a regular fucking person with common sense." The part that bothers me with anger is that it's so, so hurtful to loved ones. Every time I snap or lose my temper or do something bitchy with Henri or the kids or my friends, I feel like the worst human being who has ever walked the earth.
So I found this quote today; "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles."
And it made me feel really weird. I felt a lot of things at once. I felt more in control than I had in awhile, because to want to better and conquer oneself is surely an achievable goal, not to mention way more noble than trying to conquer others and mold and shape them to suit you. I also felt happy at the word 'conquer' because it isn't the same word as 'beat yourself to fucking death' or 'jump off a bridge because you suck.' It doesn't sound like something a depressed loser would do. It sounds like something a winner would do.
Anyway, I'm worried about my thyroid medicine because I feel tired and cranky all the time and basically feel a lot of the things I felt before my medicine was prescribed. And I wonder if the dose isn't high enough (while in Sweden, I have no healthcare to change anything so I'm screwed if this is the problem.) And I wonder now....was I really the happy in-charge person of spring/summer 2012? Or even spring/summer 2013? Or is the real me the cranky, cold, angry person that's coming out now? Which is me, and was it all an illusion thanks to some SSRI medication? I feel like I'm rotten at the core, which is of course a usual feeling for me......but I also feel like there are good parts of me and I like them and others like them and no single other person on this planet can say better of themselves, because we are all the same shit.
brb gonna go conquer myself. (Actually, I'm going to go on vacation this weekend! I've got some guest posts to schedule and might be popping in to say hi, so stay tuned!! Also if you'd like to guest post and haven't contacted me, shoot me an email and let's do it!)