7.11.2013

Alex the Lion.

I've been angry lately.  Not like 'you bastard you ordered the last bagel' angry but like, hulk-smash rage of a thousand angry suns anger.  I'm not sure why other than a mixture of needing a break from work, but there is one thing I may or may not have neglected to put on the blog: I stopped taking my Zoloft in June (apparently, June 13th was the exact date.)  My moods were off the radar, my anxiety was back, and I was sick of asking myself daily, "Is this me? Is this who I am, or is this the medicine?"

Zoloft contributed to suicidal feelings in the past, and I wasn't sure but I felt like it may have been at least partly to blame for the bad anxiety I had in May/June, not to mention a second round of depression that decided to shit on my life just when Madi turned up in Sweden.  So out of my lionly pride, I stopped the pills.  That just left me on my thyroid medicine, which has been the same dose and same brand since I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism over a year ago.

And things have been...well....I've been angry.  Short-tempered, and full of rage, and almost like my blood is boiling underneath my skin.  On the one hand, it's nice to be something other than depressed, but on the other hand, who wants to be annoyed and irritated all the time? Certainly not me, because dangerous anger runs in my family and nothing reminds me of my dad more than wanting to go on a murdering spree with an axe and a dose of peyote.  (I can't confirm he's ever done this, but I'm suspecting it anyway.)


To me, I'm so used to feeling like a fuck-up and an indecent human, anger is just another thing to tick off on the list of "emotions alex cannot handle like a regular fucking person with common sense."  The part that bothers me with anger is that it's so, so hurtful to loved ones.  Every time I snap or lose my temper or do something bitchy with Henri or the kids or my friends, I feel like the worst human being who has ever walked the earth. 


So I found this quote today; "It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles."

And it made me feel really weird.  I felt a lot of things at once.  I felt more in control than I had in awhile, because to want to better and conquer oneself is surely an achievable goal, not to mention way more noble than trying to conquer others and mold and shape them to suit you.  I also felt happy at the word 'conquer' because it isn't the same word as 'beat yourself to fucking death' or 'jump off a bridge because you suck.'   It doesn't sound like something a depressed loser would do.  It sounds like something a winner would do.

Anyway, I'm worried about my thyroid medicine because I feel tired and cranky all the time and basically feel a lot of the things I felt before my medicine was prescribed.  And I wonder if the dose isn't high enough (while in Sweden, I have no healthcare to change anything so I'm screwed if this is the problem.)   And I wonder now....was I really the happy in-charge person of spring/summer 2012? Or even spring/summer 2013? Or is the real me the cranky, cold, angry person that's coming out now? Which is me, and was it all an illusion thanks to some SSRI medication?  I feel like I'm rotten at the core, which is of course a usual feeling for me......but I also feel like there are good parts of me and I like them and others like them and no single other person on this planet can say better of themselves, because we are all the same shit. 

brb gonna go conquer myself.  (Actually, I'm going to go on vacation this weekend! I've got some guest posts to schedule and might be popping in to say hi, so stay tuned!! Also if you'd like to guest post and haven't contacted me, shoot me an email and let's do it!)



3 comments :

  1. You are not rotten at the core. If you were, you wouldn't be worrying about how to deal with your anger so you don't hurt others!
    I study a martial art, and one of my favorite quotes from the art's founder is: True victory is self-victory. It's a nice reminder that while I can't change others or situations, I can change my own responses.
    That sucks about your lack of health care access - I know thyroid medications can make a huge difference, and doses do need to be adjusted from time to time. Any chance that a friend of a friend of a friend can hook you up with some basic care?

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  2. My sweet sweet husband has anger issues. The good thing about it is he's working on them and that's all you can do. I love him and I'm working on them with him and that makes it even better. :) You are awesome! xo

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  3. I can attest that you are not rotten at the core, you care too much about others to be! So I'd definitely say go get your thyroid meds checked out, even if you have to pay out of pocket for it. Thought maybe you mean you can't even see a doc about it over there? When mine were messed up I was insane and my mood was doubly insane. Also, sugar! Here's a post about my experience that I discovered a while ago and still have to do http://iffyinklings.blogspot.com/2010/09/sugar-makes-me-crazy.html I feel like an asshole saying it could help with things like depression or anger, but honestly, I do. I think it's a bunch of little things here and there that culminate into one big thing that helps someone. I know I used to go days and days where I'd just lay in bed not giving a shit and calling into work because I was so depressed, or wondering what it would be like if I just didn't turn the wheel as I'm speeding around a cliff corner and now I'm free of that. I had a friend who asked me how I came to be how I am now and I honestly can't say it's one thing that changed overnight, just many things I've done over time. Everyone is different and needs different things, so just keep trying, and trying, and trying again. Seriously, i feel like an ass being all, 'You can be happy if you try!' but ya. I can't say it any other way haha

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