What I'm Afraid Of.

What are you afraid of? I'm proud to say that I am actually one of the bravest people I know.  I can leave a place or relationship or bad habit behind without so much as a blink of an eye toward others. I think this toughness was just ingrained in me from a young age.  It's one of the things I'm most grateful.

So, when people ask me if I'm afraid of anything, I say no.  Car wrecks? Nope.  Planes? Oh please, I love flying.  Zombies? Scientifically impossible.  Ghosts? I think a good ghost story is one of life's greatest pleasures.  Spiders? Adore them.  Poisonous spiders? Adore them also.  Snakes? One of my favorite animals.  Dying? Ehhh.  It's gonna happen at some point.  Now you see what a hardass I am guys?

But the truth is, we all fear losing our loved ones.  The only thing that saddens me about my own adventurous nature is the people I rarely get to see.  One reason I'm so active on Facebook isn't because I like to promote myself, it's because it's the only way I get to see a lot of these people.  The positive side of all this is that I know who really cares about me, because I'm not an "every day" commodity.  It's probably insanely difficult to be friends with someone who is always a world away, but some people do it anyway, and I am so grateful to them for that and I would be completely and utterly broken if one of them left me.

I fear losing my cats.  I know this may sound silly to people with children, or people who may not bond so forcefully with their animals, but I care more about those creatures than anything on this planet.  Even myself. That's right, I'd give up my hopes and dreams to save my cats if I needed too.  I'm so lucky that I get to experience Sweden and they are safe and snug at home with my roommate.  Does this completely de-closet me as a crazy cat lady? Probably.  Do I care? no.  A cat/human relationship is a complicated and beautiful thing as any cat lover can testify.  It's a bond you can't get with any other animal (though I'm definitely not a dog, or any other animal, hater) and for introverts and independent people like me, a bond with a cat is something to be cherished.  And before you ask, yes I Skype with my cats.  I see them once a week.  I think of them daily.

I don't fear dying in itself, but there are a few things concerning death that make me nervous:

-Dying before I see the parts of the world I want to see, and experience a variety of cultures
-Dying before I ever see my novels published
-Getting old and being alone
-Getting old and being in pain for years before dying

Well, this journal was depressing as fuck, but now you know my weak points.  If you hurt one of my friends, I will kill you.  If you hurt my cats, I will not only kill you, I'll come after your family and everyone you've ever met and then burn your house for good measure.  And with any luck I will get what I want out of life, or at least some of it.  That's all any of us could hope for.


  1. This is exactly why I enjoy facebook! Living so far away is hard and I love that I can still be a tiny part of everyone's lives this way. xo my love!

  2. Haha! Well, I'm pretty sure this post ensured the safety of your cats!

  3. The best thing about social media. I've found and stayed in contact with people I otherwise wouldn't have been able to reconnect with.

  4. That's why I love Facebook. On there I keep in touch with people I otherwise would have lost touch with. I haven't moved to another country but I have moved within Sweden a couple of times, distances so far that I've had to leave behind all my friends. I've done it three times so I have friends all over the country who I keep in touch with on Facebook.

    You do sound like a brave person. I wish I wasn't so afraid of dying. I'm a cautious person because I'm so scared of death. I don't fear heights but the problem with para-shooting is something might go wrong and I'd crash to my death. Same as I don't fear speed but being in a motorcycle accident might kill me so I don't want to ride a motorcycle. My extreme fear of death makes me avoid doing some things I'm really not afraid of otherwise.


  5. I came across your blog today and found it really enjoyable to read (I'm not sure its right to say I enjoyed reading about your fears but I hope you get what I mean!) This was one of the posts I related with most so I thought I'd leave a comment on this one :)

    I honestly believe there are people that are capable of loving animals and people that are just capable of 'liking' them. If you are the first like yourself and me then it really seems no different between the death of a pet and the death of a person. Someone you loved dearly is gone regardless of the species.

    Sorry if that was a bit of a ramble of a post - We lost our first cat we got here in Norway early this year at only two years old and I cannot say I'm over it.

    I've added you to follow I really hope you don't mind I'm interested to see what else you post :)