Talking to Myself Maybe.

What do I have to apologize for? To you, anyway.
To the person that I tried so hard for, for years of my life, who I credit with making me a better person, who I wanted to be a better person for.  And you showed me so much, and I showed you so much, so what on earth would I ever feel sorry for?

But I do, and the reason I want to say I'm sorry is because still after all of this, I feel that this was my fault for not being good enough for you to love properly.  I don't know if my self-hatred was fueled by our failing relationship or if the opposite is true: I hated myself and that caused things to go down so badly.  I know that because I failed, because we failed, I feel even more inadequate despite all the happiness I feel with how things in my life are going.

I will never understand why I'm not good enough either, and I most certainly can't understand how you can dismiss this and say that you "change with life tend not to look back."  How can you treat this so unceremoniously, why do you ignore or don't feel all of the things we've been through together? Or even apart, the things that we know about each other that nobody else will ever be able to share.  That way that we would sit and look at each other without speaking for minutes, like having a telepathic conversation, or the humor that only we had together that was so special? You wrote songs for me.  And they were beautiful.  And I knew, even though you never said it, that you did love me.  And that's why I kept trying.  It wasn't because I hoped, or because I was stubborn.  I knew that even if it was for brief, fleeting moments, you loved me in the ways you knew how.

I'm sorry that I'm not good enough, but I'm not sorry for moving on with my life and I know you want me to be happy, but losing my best friend of seven years does make me unhappy.  I'm not sorry for still caring about you, because what I felt for you was completely real and to say that I feel nothing like you would be a hilarious lie to myself.  I don't care about the end of the romance, or the end of the physical relationship, or the end of what was quite honestly a really destructive coupling.   What I care about and am sorry for is losing the friendship at the bottom of everything.  I feel so lost without it.

1 comment :

  1. You write beautiful words, do you know that? You broke my heart a little bit here. I know you are an amazing, strong, passionate woman but sometimes I really just want to give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder. Love you lady.