So, I won't lie, I haven't been well recently. Not by a long shot. Anytime there's erratic pauses in my blogging you can bet that I'm turning over some turmoil in my head. And I've warned my readers that my depression gets to all new lows in winter. I've been obsessing over death lately and honestly, I felt (and feel) that my purpose, if I ever had one, is over and I can't do anymore for the world. I can't do good for the world. I've been feeling like I'm destined to end up like my family.
I think about them, how they're so sheltered and they live in this sort of false reality where emotional outbursts, physical violence, drugs, discrimination, laziness, and immaturity rule the day. Because I am so emotional lately I just feel like I'm going to be the same way they are. And if I dare say it, I've been feeling jealous of them, too. Ariel may be a 20 year old with a baby, but at least she has a son who depends on her. A baby to look at that's her own. My mom is basically the worst human being ever mashed together genetically but she's had a successful 25 year marriage. I know most people don't count being physically abused and mentally a slave to your husband "successful"...but she does. They all do. I may have spoken too soon about growing a beard and being suicidal, because the beard is next on my to-do list.
I was talking to a friend about this Saturday and he asked if anything would make me feel better. Oddly enough I mentioned that snow would make me feel better. I wanted it to be a cozy beautiful sparkling wonderland, not a cold dead depressing suicide garbageland outside. Not twenty minutes later as I prepared to leave, it started snowing. It snowed all weekend. This morning while I was waiting on my bus to work it snowed, and I looked down at my hair and saw this.
(Because everyone keeps asking me) yes this is a real snowflake. It landed on my hair for maybe ten seconds, long enough for me to gasp, take a photo, then look again--and it was gone. I was so excited. Others fell and were equally majestically amazing, but this one seemed special. Maybe because it landed right there, or because I got the perfect photograph. I've seen snow my entire life and I've never seen anything like this. Henri put it best: "It's like nature wanted to show you something beautiful."
So, thanks, Nature. I do love the way you form water droplets around pollen and dust and make this breathtaking art. Why people need a god in their lives, I will never understand. Look at this, isn't it enough?
And if that weren't enough, take a look at this email conversation:
(Her) After talking to you yesterday we both felt happy because we really think you are wonderful. We have made our decission, and would be glad to have you as our new family member :) Please let us know as soon as you have decided!(Me) Ahhh! That is wonderful news indeed! I was so hoping you would say that because I really feel like we clicked and I would love to come be a part of the family. I was hoping you would want me to. Well I guess I will be bringing all my identification to Sweden in a week!
(Her) Wiiiieeee! Oh, i think this Will be as you would say... AWSOME! Your so welcome dear!! Im so happy! :D
See you soon our Patricia!
I get a Swedish family.