Creative Chaos and Blogging.

If you've even been looking at my blog over the past week or so, you've probably thought someone either hacked me, or that I finally fell off that steep ledge of 'barely sane' I've been wavering on for about a quarter of a century now.  I've been stuck in a really weird state of mind since Tennessee, although maybe that's not fair.  I was really in that mindset as soon as EMT class came to a close, because my focus has to shift to the next phase of my life, whatever that really is.  I don't like change and I especially don't like transition, so I've been feeling weird.

And usually when I get in this angsty existential crisis mode I take it out on my creative outlets; usually writing and painting.  Painting has had a wrench in its side ever since I was supposed to move out of this shit apartment way back in July; all my supplies are sitting in bins packed up and ready to go.  My novel will never suffer at the hands of my own mental feebleness, so the next creative target was my blog.  I feel like blogging is a conglomerate of scheduled linky parties, questionnaires, people standing awkwardly and taking waaaaaay too many self-photos of their thrifty outfits, Moms and Mormons, and married women who are loving their significant other, and young college girls who make crafts.  And then there's me.  It's hard to find a niche, but I did it successfully over the course of this year and I've met some amazing people.

But as always, my creative process is changing and growing and transforming, and it's taken a turn away from that de-facto style of blogging that still fascinates me, but that I don't really have the energy for.  There's nothing cathartic to me about blog parties or step-by-step photos.  There's nothing cathartic about organization really, I kind of hate it.  I'm the anti-anal personality.   I think maybe the scheduling (weekly features, etc) messes up that sporadic creative spark that is the driving force behind my ability to write interesting things, and I also feel obligated to do things others do, because...when you're a blogger, that's 'what you do'.

Not only has my creative process taken a few unexpected turns, but here's a point I feel the need to share with all my followers: every winter my personality and demeanor takes a very drastic turn.  I am pretty sure that most people can relate to this.  We act and feel differently when the weather is different (assuming you live in a place with seasons.)  Mine is severe, and I don't know if it's inherited, and I have been diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder, but the end result is the same.  I become more closed, quiet, doleful, melancholy, hard-working, hard-thinking, and my emotions go into the toilet and are to some extent even filled with bitterness.  Having 'family' holidays in winter probably doesn't help this mindset, as I'm forced to watch everyone participate in those celebrations I've been alienated from for a decade.  I still write in winter, I still do everything, but I do it almost like a different person.

This entry is already longer than I thought it would be; the point is....this blog is probably going to sound different, and become way more of a personal blog than it ever has been before.  I know a lot of people see me as candid because I really put myself out there with the things I write about, but there are things in my life going on that I never write here and I really don't know why.  For example, I'm currently trying to apply to be an au pair in Sweden and have spoken to a few families.  This is a huge thing, it would be a crazy change--living in Stockholm with a host family--and for some reason it hasn't made its way here.

I don't expect anyone to want to stick around if they're not interested in my winter personality switch and my probably boring rants on things like the human psyche and the uncertainty of my future.  But I felt that instead of just deleting this blog and starting fresh with zero followers (which is what I at first had considered) I would try to push on because I love this blog and all my peeps here, and they had an explanation owed to them.

That's all, now get out of here.


  1. I love the new blog! The font is a little small, but I just zoom in on the screen so it's not a big deal.

    Anyways, I have SAD as well and it kicks my ass for a few weeks, then it starts to snow and it's totally acceptable to just stay at home watching Netflix and knitting. This is my biggest hesitancy to wanting to move to Seattle for med school. I'd be fucked to have SAD and try to study the crap I need to know when it's always rainy!

    How was your EMT class, anyways?!

    And lastly, I think it would be so amazing to be an au pair! I wanted to do that for so long and if I didn't get married, I'd absolutely be doing that right now. It would be such a great experience for you and you'd get paid to live where you love!

    1. I was worried about the font, my monitor is gigantic and it's hard for me to gauge proper resolution, but I will definitely see if I can fine-tune it, so thanks for letting me know!!!

      As far as Seattle...idk, I used to think that was my dream city. I've loved Washington State since I was in like third grade. But I'm with you. Snow and the coziness really is the only thing that gets me through these winters...I don't know if I could handle just straight up rain all winter. It's good to know I'm not the only one with SAD. I write it and people are like "why are you sad?" -facepalm-

      EMT class was good. I still feel like I don't know what the fuck I'm doing, but when we did clinicals and scenarios I just jumped right in there and did it and did it great and everything went awesome. Thanks to a fuckup with the State of Utah I still have to get my state certification done this month, so that's been making me nervous as hell. lol.

      I really think being an au pair would be great too. Cross your fingers that something works out! Because we all know how dangerously I love Sweden.

    2. I have a big screen too (like a 28 inch iMac?) but I have it set so the browser is like a normal screen because I don't need to see the pores on someones face! haha

      I've loved Washington/Oregon for as long as I can remember too! I think I'd be ok with it just because of all the greenery that makes up for it.

      I think the medical world is always like that, how you feel like you know nothing until something happens and you just react to it and get the job done! That sucks about the license! I took a CNA class last ear when I was planning on going to nursing school and I still need to take the state exam! I will only be able to work as a CNA and I'm not sure if I ever would, but I'd feel like the class was such a waste if I didn't actually get the license!

      Good luck!!

  2. You are amazing. And I think it's perfectly fine for your blog to evolve as your mood & personality do! I know mine does. I used to write a lot more but now I feel very private about my thoughts. They're just for my daughter so they go with pen and paper instead of on my blog for everyone. We all change! It's just part of life. And I heart you!

    1. Aw thank you lady, you're pretty amazing!!! And yep I get you about the feeling private. I fluctuate with the seasons. I heart you too, now get to Utah with that baby!!!!

  3. I hope that the au pair situation works out for you too! It sounds like an amazing opportunity! :)