8.26.2012

Suicide and loneliness.

Bet that title just grabbed you, didn't it?  Prepare yourselves, I'm going to make a mockery of myself in the blog world yet again.  I see people doing these 'candid' entries that they don't edit and just let the thoughts flow, and I've never done that because a gun-loving, divorcee military wife who can't stand military wives and military lives, not to mention atheist is really pushing the bill on people who will actually read this blog.  And I do like readers, but it's my fucking blog for god's sake, and I have been holding in a lot of things lately that quite frankly aren't healthy.

So unhealthy that in fact, several days ago, I started taking the prescribed xanex my doctor gave me months ago.  I wasn't taking it for any other reason besides the anxiety and too-intense emotion I've felt.  It did help me sleep, which is amazing, since nothing helps me sleep, and the first night I took it I thought 'why don't I take this shit more often?! It's GREAT!' Somehow that very quickly turned into taking xanex and drinking before bed.  I'm usually not this irresponsible, but a lot of things have gone wrong lately.  I can't test for EMT Certification until probably September.  Someone very close to me broke my trust--a friend I won't mention here, but it was a weighty matter in itself-- I feel like a failure daily for making the decision to divorce, I feel like this half-person with some sort of illegitimate life who is doomed to self-sabotage any relationship I step foot into.....a lot of things have just been going wrong lately.  Despite my best efforts, I found myself 25 and depressed to such a bad extent that I woke up this morning with the intention of killing myself.

I don't know how much the medication-mixing and drinking has to do with it because luckily I'm not well-versed in the side effects that benzos and SSRI's have.  I don't know how much of it is just my depression coming around in bouts as it always has done, and I just wasn't prepared for this stronger wave since life has been beating my ass and reminding me how worthless I am lately.  I don't know how to explain it other than I woke up and wanted to die.   And that feeling grew, throughout the day.  By 3 in the afternoon I was convinced I needed to just take the large preparation of available medication and end it.

I've been suicidal before, but this was unlike anything I've ever felt.  Some logic still exists in some part of my brain when I want to die, because a voice always says, 'Alex, talk to someone.'  I've always had someone.  Someone, somewhere.  Even in the darkest times.  Even if I just texted them.  Today, that didn't happen.  Everyone who cared about me, I thought, would be okay without me.  They didn't need me, maybe they would be sad, but nobody certainly needs such a failure around.  They would understand, because my life has been hard.  Would anybody really be surprised? Probably not.  Sad, but not surprised.  I would miss them too, but it wasn't worth it.  These are just skimming the surface of thoughts that I went through in my head.

So, seeing as how that voice was telling me to stop fucking around and talk to someone, but the depression already had the medicine in my hand and was reminding me that nobody needed me and everyone could move on, I did something I've never done before and hope I will never have the need to do again--I called a suicide hotline.  Let me tell you, that's an awkward conversation.  I was hyperventilating and probably incomprehensible, but the guy on the line did his job, he was patient and nice and everything you'd expect someone who answers calls from people who want to end their lives to be.  We talked until I had calmed down to a tolerable point, and I got off the phone with him.

I still wasn't okay.  I was still scared.  I still had no will to live, and still really don't.  I know in my heart that there are moments out there worth living for, but you can't always just pull those down to the dark hole you lay in when you're suicidal.  You can't always have hope.  You can't always convince yourself it's worth it to fight.  I think had the adrenaline not worn off, I may very well right now be in intensive care, or worse.  But luckily, the adrenaline that had been pumping for hours gave way, I was exhausted, and I spoke with a friend.

And begged that friend to promise to never abandon me.  It's a very lonely world, and I am lonelier than I have ever been.  Even those nights I spent sleeping outside as a kid, thinking that there was no way out of it. Even in the first physical confrontation between my husband and I, when I lay there realizing that this marriage was going to end up like my parents'...violent and dangerous.  Even when I spent years conditioning myself to be okay and accepting of the fact that life is ours alone, and everyone has to be alone for so many things to have any decent quality of life......I've gone through all that and never been as scared, or as close to death, as I was today.

If you're wondering, my friend did promise to never abandon me.  And I believe that promise.  I still don't feel okay, I still don't feel like myself, and I still don't have hope.  But I know that no emotion is ever permanent, and tomorrow I am on a plane to Tennessee, where I will literally not be alone for a moment the entire two weeks....sort of a suicide-watch vacation.

I didn't write this to get your pity, so please don't put it here for me.  I write to get my thoughts out of my head.  Sometimes, my thoughts are not pleasant or even funny, really.  That's life.

5 comments :

  1. I have been following your blog for a few weeks now, but I always avoided commenting because I felt like everything I had to say was bullshit, but I just HAD to leave a comment on this entry.

    You are amazing. Too often people only want to see the super strong side of someone who has been through a lot of crap in their lives. Like you said, the reality is that life isn't always sunshine and butterflies and as uncomfortable reading this might be for some people, talking about it is helpful. It's helpful for you, it's helpful for others who may be feeling the same way, and it's helpful for society at large to just be aware.

    It's okay to feel the way you do, and the fact that you're self-aware of what's going on will serve you well while you're dealing with this.

    It probably doesn't mean a lot coming from some random new reader from New Zealand, but you've had an impact on me through your blog. You're part of my life now. If you left, I'd grieve in my own little way.

    If I sound like a creep, I'm sorry. I just felt now would be the time to make myself known and share the same level of honesty with you as you do with your readers.

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  2. For what it is worth... I think you have a reason for being here.. And you haven't yet fulfilled that reason. I hope that you realize life is worth living.. If for nobody else then for yourself. Cheesy.. I know. But what else can you say to a relative stranger? I'll be thinking of you and hoping your time away helps you realize you aren't alone.

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  3. I'm glad that you didn't attempt or succeed and that you are still here. I don't know what kind of words i can type that will make you feel like you're worth something or that you will be missed, but you are and you would be. Just from this little amount that I know you from blogging, i can tell that if we lived closer we could totally be great friends and that we'd get along. I agree with almost everything you've talked about and can empathize with most things, so you have to know that you aren't alone! As you said, no emotion stays, so I guess the real thing you need to do is find a way to remind yourself that when you're thinking nothing will ever be good again. You did that this time and I hope you can continue to do so! If you ever want my number, just email me!!

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  4. I'm glad you didn't take the path of suicide. I'm so sorry that your marriage is ending. I wish I could say more than I'm sorry and I'm glad you're alive, but that's really all I can thing to say. Patricia, I truly am glad you're alive. If you ever need me, let me know. I'll find a way to get in touch with you and stay in touch with you. *hugs*

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  5. Talked to you earlier about this, but just so you know, you can text me if you're feeling this way again! I enjoy conversations with other intelligent beings, whether you're sad or not! I think we can relate to each other a lot... I think I gave you my number before? Anyways, I'm not giving you a pity party ;-)

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