Suicide and loneliness.

Bet that title just grabbed you, didn't it?  Prepare yourselves, I'm going to make a mockery of myself in the blog world yet again.  I see people doing these 'candid' entries that they don't edit and just let the thoughts flow, and I've never done that because a gun-loving, divorcee military wife who can't stand military wives and military lives, not to mention atheist is really pushing the bill on people who will actually read this blog.  And I do like readers, but it's my fucking blog for god's sake, and I have been holding in a lot of things lately that quite frankly aren't healthy.

So unhealthy that in fact, several days ago, I started taking the prescribed xanex my doctor gave me months ago.  I wasn't taking it for any other reason besides the anxiety and too-intense emotion I've felt.  It did help me sleep, which is amazing, since nothing helps me sleep, and the first night I took it I thought 'why don't I take this shit more often?! It's GREAT!' Somehow that very quickly turned into taking xanex and drinking before bed.  I'm usually not this irresponsible, but a lot of things have gone wrong lately.  I can't test for EMT Certification until probably September.  Someone very close to me broke my trust--a friend I won't mention here, but it was a weighty matter in itself-- I feel like a failure daily for making the decision to divorce, I feel like this half-person with some sort of illegitimate life who is doomed to self-sabotage any relationship I step foot into.....a lot of things have just been going wrong lately.  Despite my best efforts, I found myself 25 and depressed to such a bad extent that I woke up this morning with the intention of killing myself.

I don't know how much the medication-mixing and drinking has to do with it because luckily I'm not well-versed in the side effects that benzos and SSRI's have.  I don't know how much of it is just my depression coming around in bouts as it always has done, and I just wasn't prepared for this stronger wave since life has been beating my ass and reminding me how worthless I am lately.  I don't know how to explain it other than I woke up and wanted to die.   And that feeling grew, throughout the day.  By 3 in the afternoon I was convinced I needed to just take the large preparation of available medication and end it.

I've been suicidal before, but this was unlike anything I've ever felt.  Some logic still exists in some part of my brain when I want to die, because a voice always says, 'Alex, talk to someone.'  I've always had someone.  Someone, somewhere.  Even in the darkest times.  Even if I just texted them.  Today, that didn't happen.  Everyone who cared about me, I thought, would be okay without me.  They didn't need me, maybe they would be sad, but nobody certainly needs such a failure around.  They would understand, because my life has been hard.  Would anybody really be surprised? Probably not.  Sad, but not surprised.  I would miss them too, but it wasn't worth it.  These are just skimming the surface of thoughts that I went through in my head.

So, seeing as how that voice was telling me to stop fucking around and talk to someone, but the depression already had the medicine in my hand and was reminding me that nobody needed me and everyone could move on, I did something I've never done before and hope I will never have the need to do again--I called a suicide hotline.  Let me tell you, that's an awkward conversation.  I was hyperventilating and probably incomprehensible, but the guy on the line did his job, he was patient and nice and everything you'd expect someone who answers calls from people who want to end their lives to be.  We talked until I had calmed down to a tolerable point, and I got off the phone with him.

I still wasn't okay.  I was still scared.  I still had no will to live, and still really don't.  I know in my heart that there are moments out there worth living for, but you can't always just pull those down to the dark hole you lay in when you're suicidal.  You can't always have hope.  You can't always convince yourself it's worth it to fight.  I think had the adrenaline not worn off, I may very well right now be in intensive care, or worse.  But luckily, the adrenaline that had been pumping for hours gave way, I was exhausted, and I spoke with a friend.

And begged that friend to promise to never abandon me.  It's a very lonely world, and I am lonelier than I have ever been.  Even those nights I spent sleeping outside as a kid, thinking that there was no way out of it. Even in the first physical confrontation between my husband and I, when I lay there realizing that this marriage was going to end up like my parents'...violent and dangerous.  Even when I spent years conditioning myself to be okay and accepting of the fact that life is ours alone, and everyone has to be alone for so many things to have any decent quality of life......I've gone through all that and never been as scared, or as close to death, as I was today.

If you're wondering, my friend did promise to never abandon me.  And I believe that promise.  I still don't feel okay, I still don't feel like myself, and I still don't have hope.  But I know that no emotion is ever permanent, and tomorrow I am on a plane to Tennessee, where I will literally not be alone for a moment the entire two weeks....sort of a suicide-watch vacation.

I didn't write this to get your pity, so please don't put it here for me.  I write to get my thoughts out of my head.  Sometimes, my thoughts are not pleasant or even funny, really.  That's life.


If You REALLY Knew Me....

I've seen this one floating around Bloggy land and as with most things, I'm late to the party, but here I am.  It's fashionable for us Leos to arrive late and garner a lot of interest.   Or maybe I'm a slob and can't get around to doing things.  Either way, I love you guys for putting up with my slow posts during these busy days.  I may have some exciting news coming up soon.  Still, more on that later.  Right now, let's go over all the stuff you probably didn't need to know about me but will anyway.

Dress: H&M      Belt: Thrifted    Shoes: Payless

If you REALLY knew me you'd know: 

-I'm really judgmental and not ashamed to say it.  My best friend Madi recently wrote a journal on this and called it having "incredibly high standards for people" (in her life.)  I seem to be the only one who doesn't mind the negative connotation of the word 'judgmental' and I'm also not shy about pointing out that EVERYONE is judgmental.  It's not a bad thing.  Judging is how we get through life, really.  The fact that it applies to people in our lives is not different from the fact that it applies to what food we eat, what boys (or girls) we date, and what music we listen to.  We're a judgey little species and that's okay.

-I am really insecure about certain things and doubt myself often, but I usually ignore those feelings and do what I do with a lot of made-up confidence.  This eventually ends up turning into real confidence every now and then.  I just don't think fear is a valid excuse for pretty much anything.  

-Holidays are hard for me.  I cry a lot and become a hermit (especially winter holidays.)  It's just really hard when your biological family has cast you out.  Luckily I always get a lot of Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas morning invites from my amazing and wonderful friends.  

-Atheism is important to me.  Other than a stand against animal cruelty, atheism is really the only "movement" I'm ever involved in.  I can appreciate people who get politically involved, but I am just so apathetic about the joke that is American politics that I don't really feel the need to dip down into that cesspool of yelling, foaming-at-the-mouth liberators and informants.  

-I love all animals.   ALL. ANIMALS.  Spiders and scorpions and crabs and snakes and polar bears and squids and hissing beetles on top of the ever-popular kitties, doggies, and other fluffs.  I think that animals are all amazing testaments to the miracle of life and evolution and they fascinate me.  Most animals that have a bad reputation are also grossly misunderstood.  I don't do the whole stand on a chair and scream thing.  It bugs me more than I can say.

-I seem more impatient than I am.  My body language gives off a negative air sometimes.  Not sure why this is; I guess I'm just a Worley.  

-I have never had the ability to get along with other writers. I've noticed I'm not the only writer who feels this way, either.  It's just like, writers are so big and have such big minds, we can't have any other writer coming into that big huge bubble and crowding up our space.  So if someone is a writer I can usually stay on good terms with them, but it's not like we ever talk about writing.  Instead, I usually discuss my writing with avid readers.  Am I the only one who feels this way?  

-I don't like it when people mimic my Southern accent.  I've gotten over telling them to stop, as this only makes it worse and I realize most people do it because they find the accent unique or interesting and they're not trying to be degrading.  But I still don't like it.  So, keep that in mind the next time you decide to repeat something in someone else's twang: WE DO NOT LIKE IT!!!!

-I have an unhealthy love for Till Lindemann.  It borders on stalking and fangirl obsession wherein I cry in front of my mirror for hours because I love him so much.  Like that eHarmony video about the cat lover who breaks down in tears.  

That's about it really! These are all things most of my close friends already know about me.  So now count yourself lucky that you, too, know all of my awesome quirks and views.  In a few days I'll be putting up my 25 before 26 list and revamping my layout to look more late summer/autumn as we're winding down the days until fall hits.  And I'll be spending mine for two weeks in Tennessee! WAHOO! 


24 before 25: Year in Review.

Getting closer and closer to the big day.  My birthday is very important to me.  I figured I'd take this opportunity to cross off my list of '24 before 25'.  I need to make a new one, but I'm still pondering over things I want to accomplish in the year to come.  My life is kind of in limbo right now, or rather my future is: I feel like there are a million roads I could take and they will all lead me to drastically different things.  Not intimidating at all, right? Before I just pop the list on here, check out some of the things I got done in my 24th year of life!

Started the year off in Virginia.
But then migrated to Sweden for March.
Got a piercing and went back to red hair.

Made a new bff.
And made up with my old bff.

Balled up and went back to school.
And also my first yoga class.

Got some crushing news about my mom.
and saw Rammstein the same day.

Shared my foster care story.
Had a great epiphany on my past.

Went back to Virginia for a bit
and celebrated my anniversary with a deployment.

Fell MADLY in love with Jeremy Renner.
but got prescribed depression meds because I'm nuts.

Whew!!! And that wasn't even covering July!!!! What a great year, right?  So here's the list.
Green=in progress

1. See Rammstein in concert. 

2. Interview someone I admire, then post the interview as a blog entry.

3. Eat a Vegan diet for 30 days. 

4. Grow my own herbs like basil, mint, and dill.

5. Volunteer at least 80 hours with a foster care group or center or association.

6. Perform on a stage, whether it's singing, reciting a poem, or just telling jokes.

7. Lose five inches in my waist.

8. Host my own self-catered fancy (possibly themed) party.

9. Sell 1,000 dollars worth of merchandise on Etsy.

10. Pick four random friends, write a list of twenty one things I like/love/enjoy about them, and mail the list to them as a surprise.

11. Record myself painting, then upload it to Youtube timelapsed!

12. Get my freaking driver's license!!!

13. On or around the actual date, participate in the birthday project, which turns your birthday into a day of charity and giving. 

14. Go to a local comedy club, drunk, and laugh all night!

15. Find somewhere lonely and inconspicuous, and watch any of the eclipses listed on NASA's official site. Blog about it, obviously!

16. Two words: Yoga. Class. 

17. Learn the basics of jewelry-making. 

18. Participate in my own blog giveaway.

19. Find and participate in a marathon.

20. Register for school in either SLC or Norfolk. 

21. Enroll in a creative writing class/find a group/something!

22. Start a rock collection!!!!!

23. Hike up the "H" Mountain behind the University of Utah!

24.  Get proficient in Swedish, my favorite language!! 

So, I completed 10, have 6 in progress, and haven't done 8.  Not bad! I'm pretty happy with what I've accomplished this year, mentally, physically and emotionally.  2012, and being 24, has been just wonderful in most aspects.  I can't wait to see what 25 brings.  If you have ideas for my list, let me know!