I've just been feeling kind of 'blah' on blogging the past week. I've been out, doing a lot of things, like going to the Utah Arts Festival, (which I'll blog about next week) and haven't had time to sit down and answer emails and stuff like that. Which sucks, because I hate falling behind on stuff like that. With the husband gone, my attitude has been kind of 'ehhhh fuck it, whatever, time to go walk around and enjoy stuff.' It's strange, I didn't think his deployment would affect me in the way it has. We've lived 2,000 miles apart for the entirety of our marriage. Week-long visits happened maybe twice a year. It will be less than a year before we're living together. And I just don't know what to do or how to feel.
Beyond that, the medicine I've been taking, plus coconut oil, seems to really be helping me. I've been dropping inches, my energy has never been higher, my mood is pretty positive, and I've been less of a hermit, spending a lot of time with friends. I can never stress enough on this blog just how important my friends are to me. There are people in my life who know me, who know my past. They've seen the veneer of 'badass' fall down and in most cases have seen me cry like a baby, or punch the shit out of someone. And they still find me worthwhile. That is priceless. And that's what's gotten me to thinking lately about my attitude on makeup. Every single time I plan something, this girly frilly part of me (which has honestly never held much sway) says 'put on makeup! curl your hair! wear a cute dress! gogogo!' but then the other part of me says, 'meh, these guys know what I look like. I'm not trying to date them or impress them. They're my friends.'
This used to bother me. My own lack of will to have high maintenance bothered me, because I would look at the girls who had perfect hairdos and perfect lipstick and think 'wow, if only I could be like that.' Now more or less when I see those barbies I think 'guh that looks uncomfortable.' I like being able to not think about what happens when I sweat or the wind blows or I eat and my perfectness rubs away. I'm not, nor have I ever been, anti-makeup, but the difference I've noticed is that I no longer feel bad when I don't wear makeup. I don't feel ugly or 'unmade'. I feel like me. Sometimes I feel pretty, sometimes I feel gorgeous, other times I feel gross and sick or blah and apathetic. But I'm comfortable in my own skin. I wish everyone could feel that. People like my little sister who absolutely refuse to be seen without makeup and consider their 'real face' one that has foundation, blush, lip gloss, eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara on it before it's acceptable to look at.
I guess that's another thing I can thank my friends for: they not only accept me as I am, but many of them have voiced that I look better without makeup, or that I don't need it. And that it's strange to see me 'made up' because it's just not me. Now, I have my days, and there's nothing wrong with makeup, but as a whole it's something I do rarely and I wouldn't have it any other way.