6.12.2012

I'm a nutcase probably.

This is one of those entries I really struggled with thinking about writing, thought, maybe I should just wait a few days, or not at all because it's personal and I hate knowing there are people who read my blog and might think that I'm a total pussy, or whiny, or whatever. I mean I have no problem if someone says "wow that blogger is a bitch" or "you're a terrible person" because those things have no validation with me, I find them funny. But if someone said, "wow, you sure do whine and complain a lot" I'd have no argument, because I feel like I do.

That's probably just me over-analyzing myself, but at the end of the day, it's my blog, so I DO WHAT I WANT.

Like take terrible pictures of myself at midnight.

1. Before makeup.  2. This was supposed to be an outtake.
3. Something close to my resting face.  Scary.  4. I'm fucking psycho.  




Monday
This day....was a day to be remembered.  It was the start of a new week.  If I'm having a bad time it rarely lasts longer than a week.  I kind of mentally say 'that's enough now, let's get back to being happy and normal.'  But it was not in the stars, not at all.  Already in a terrible mood and just...down as all hell....I had to take the car to the mechanic.  It had stopped working, as in, no more anything.  Ever.  In the continuing trend of stupid people meandering into my life, the mechanic made my head explode into brain goo all over his counter.  Here's why (because I just can't make up this shit) 

We needed an alternator. Autozone had one for $130.  Phillips, (the place I went yesterday) quoted me at $350.  When I mentioned that Autozone had the cheaper part, the mechanic said in that huffy condescending voice, "They have cheap parts. I won't even buy from there.  You'd never catch me dead in there.  If you want to go drive and pick it up I'll install it for you."

Go drive and pick it up

go drive and pick it up

go drive

...As my fucking car is sitting, NOT WORKING, in his garage.  Like ten feet away from us.  Unable to move. Dead battery.  Yes, I will drive my fucking broomstick right the fuck over there.  And then I will beat you in the head with it upon my return.  Stupid ass.

So anyway, then I got to go to the doctor, and here's where the story gets good.  I got to get poked TWICE with needles.  Thyroid levels? AWESOME.  Problem? My doctor and I are very close.  She's a really great woman who has taken the time to get to know me since I started visiting her.  She probably knows me better than most other people, which is weird maybe.  Regardless, she saw how tired and worn down I looked and started asking me about stuff.  I told her I'd gone probably 30 hours with no sleep, and I told her about how down I've been feeling.  

And this is the part that's hard to write....after discussing it she suggested putting me on a really low-dose antidepressant.  She was really worried about me--early this year I was having panic attacks and anxiety problems, rather manic, and now I seem to be slipping too far in the other direction.  Depression.  And let me tell you, I know the difference between depression and regular old sad.  I've been chronically depressed before.  Suicidal.  I hate talking about it because anyone can throw out 'I feel depressed'.  

But the truth of the matter is, this is something that runs heavily in my family, and it's a mental illness I've had since my early teens.  And the other truth of the matter is that it's something you learn to live with, like any other disease.  If there is a miracle cure for depression, I've never found it.  I have to be really careful, like an alcoholic around alcohol--if I sit in the house too much, if I sit and dwell too much, it is very easy for me to give into that illness and spiral downward into that terrible place where apathy rules over everything and my biggest enemy is myself.  

I didn't argue with the doctor, which is weird, because I pride myself that I don't have to take any medication.  I don't really believe in it, I don't like putting chemicals in my body, and the side effects to me outweigh the benefits with just about any pill.  But the simple fact that I didn't argue shows how scarily exhausted I was.  I didn't feel like fighting for alternatives.  I just said okay, and went to pick up my fucking pills.

When I was 16 I was prescribed Zoloft.  It was a 25mg dosage and I never took it.  I swore I'd fight through the depression without it, and so my crazy ass aunt sold the pills and I never ingested a one.  When I got the same medication--sertraline--today, I cried because the dosage was 100mg.  The doctor told me to just take a half a pill every day, which lowers my dose to 50mg, but that's still twice the amount I was told I needed as a kid.  Body weight arguments couldn't deter me.  I was convinced I was just hopeless and helpless and depressed.  

So, because I am just too mentally fed up to fight anymore, I am going to listen to my good friend Dr. Wells and take the goddamn happy pill and see how I feel after a month.  I am also going to start taking coconut oil again as well as forcing myself into sunlight.  I have an almost hilarious vitamin D deficiency.  Anyway, this is me, I'm a fucking nutcase, I hope you enjoy.

14 comments :

  1. found you via be freckled. very clever name :)

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  2. I admire you for posting this. It can be difficult in the blogging world to really publish how you are feeling instead of just always pretending like everything is perfect. I think we should all be more comfortable talking about what is les than perfect... And no it isn't always complaining either! Glad I found your blog today!

    New follower :)
    Bonnie
    Bonnielouisa.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Bonnie! And I totally agree. It is very hard to open up and say things like this. That's why I definitely appreciate your comment--I hate reading blogs where everything is just perfect all the time! And thanks for following--going to check out your blog right now :D

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  3. Oh man. That is a terrible week. I'm glad your thyroid is doing better! I understand exactly what you mean about the depression thing. I've been fighting going to a doctor for it for years because of the stigma of needing a pill for happiness. But, sometimes, especially as we age, life wears on us. It doesn't make you weak or stupid or silly to need some extra help. It makes you regular old human. Also, a month isn't that long to test something out.

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    1. Stigma--that's exactly the term for it. Man, it's rough. But I do have to agree with you. I am a regular old human, and I better start acting like it. lol. And a month isn't too bad, it just feels like forever when you think to yourself 'I'm on an antidepressant.'

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  4. WHY DO YOU WHINE SO MUCH. =P

    When it comes to medicine, I'm so torn. I hate putting anything into my body that isn't 'natural', but at the same time, I KNOW medicine helps. I was so against taking my hyperthyroid medicine, but when I finally did after months of ignoring my doctor, it was amazing! I felt wonderful! So know when a doctor recommends something, I at least try it. I'm 99% sure that it won't kill me, so I can at least say I gave it a try and if it works, great. So I'm glad you're trying it!

    That part about the alternator made me laugh, so thanks for letting me laugh at your expense!

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    1. Agreed! The old witchy folk remedy part of me is like IT DOESN'T COME FROM NATURE GET IT AWAY....but then Mr. Spock sets in and is like "this is logical, stop whining." Maybe I should be treated for schizophrenia. But I'm glad your hyperthyroid medicine works too!

      And no problem. I laugh at my expense all the time, though it's probably hard to tell because my sense of humor is so biting.

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  5. You're definitely not a nut case! I have a hard time with meds too. I hate the thought of being reliant on them. At the same time I know they really help a lot of people so I see the value. I hope that you start to feel better my darling.

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    1. Thank you ma'am! And here I am a few days later and am feeling better! So, hooray for crazy pills! whoop whoop.

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  6. I think the term nut case is open for debate. For instance, when you use it, I assume you're implying the association with mental instability. When I use it, I'm referring to a case for nuts. Like a glasses case, but just for nuts. Now you can imagine how confused I was with your title.

    Just kidding. Which is probably horrible, since none of what you wrote about is a joking matter, but I like to laugh at myself. In the case of anti-depressants: my mom is clinically depressed. She spent 10 years in a really dark mental state, and it showed in how she raised my siblings and I. She finally went to see a doctor a few years ago, and I can't even believe how drastically she changed...I don't think pills are a cure all, but [as Madi said], sometimes dealing with something completely on our own can wear us down and just make it worse. Sometimes there is a legit reason for medical help. Can't hurt to try. And if it makes you feel any better, I have to go see a doctor about my extreme anxiety so I can go to sleep without being in pain for once. We can be nut cases together...little boxes full of nuts. Yesssssss.

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    1. I was sitting here chuckling at your first paragraph and my roommate and both cats looked over at me like 'wtf are you plotting now, madwoman?' made it even funnier.

      So sorry to hear about your mom though. My craze-ball parents both have obvious but untreated depression as well....raising kids like that, I couldn't even imagine. With that plus you being the oldest, and it's no wonder you have some anxiety (plus military life and being overseas is no joke) So, here's to nut case pills! WOOO!

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    2. Oh, I didn't mean for it to come across as me complaining about her. Life is life. Just wanted to point out that maybe the pills aren't for you, they're for the ones you love. That way you can be to them what you need to be, instead of struggling through so much shit that you're only a shadow of what they need.

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  7. Wow - epic MASSIVE fail on the part of the mechanic suggesting you drive to collect a car part! Classic example of someone who clearly dos not think before they open their mouth! :O

    As for the medication - I hope it helps you. :)

    Oh dear. My comment seems woefully inadequate (and neither helpful nor funny) now I have just read what English posted above me! HAA!

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    1. It was a massive fail! I wouldn't even have been upset had he not been so serious and like, condescending like I WAS THE ONE being stupid.

      And it's been a few days and I feel better thanks to the medicine!! Thank you for your well-wishes :)

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