5.23.2012

Some thoughts on love.

(Picture is unrelated, but hilarious.)


So, this is going to sound whiny. Somehow my blog went from being a random conglomerate of stupid shit to being this ultra-mega-serious place where I'm overly-depressing.  It's dumb, because this is seriously the best year of my life and my blog should be a vomit of rainbow glitter, but I like writing about the things in my head so that I can look back on them and see my perception on things...maybe as a way to see growth, or a way to reminisce, or both.  Either way trust me when I say I'm not whining, I'm actually very happy with most things in my life, but stagnancy and contentment signifies the end of learning and growing, so I'm never completely satisfied.  

Enough with the disclaimers.  Onto my thoughts.  Now, one thing I'd like to mention pertaining to this is the fact that I've learned "reality" means nothing from one person to the next.  We all live in very different realities and that's fine, it's unavoidable seeing as how culturally we're all so different.  Sadly some people's reality is waking up and fighting for food, every single day.  I don't expect other people to have the family stigma I do, or the outlook on love that I do.  Had things happened differently to me, I wouldn't feel this way, but this is my life, so here are my thoughts on love.

My current thought process covers two things: one, what love actually means (in a relationship kind of way) and two, the way I react to perceived love.  I'll tackle them one at a time.  Here's where I sound whiny.  After years of consideration and my own relationships, I've decided that my real, true belief in "true love" is waning if not nonexistent.  Like other things I looked forward to and dreamed about in youth like having children, the older I get the less it seems plausible that things like this will make me happy.  I used to watch Disney movies with all the conviction of other girls, but again---my reality involves the lack of ultimate love and trust.  In my reality I trust someone as far as I can throw them, MAYBE.  And I don't have a desire to trust or love more than I already do.  I have great friends.  Great bonds.  I've been burned in love like everyone else and maybe I'm just bitter, but I don't think that the kind of love other people have found in marriage and whatnot, exists for me.

And I'm just now getting sad over it, because I find that I'm lonely.  I travel a lot...alone.  I explore, alone.  I paint, alone.  I listen to music, alone.  I'm so introverted that it's usually not a problem, but lately it's been really getting me down that I don't connect totally to anyone.  I don't know if this is a real problem, or if it's a passing phase of the once-belief in true love that I harbored for years.  The desire for a family is at the moment anyway, a billion light years away.  The thought of children mortifies me.  Getting a house stresses me out.  All of it just seems terrible and horrible.  (lol, Avengers.  Dr. Banner: "well, this...all...seems horrible." Anyone? Anyone? I love that movie...)



Picture actually has SOME relevance...check out the portrait in the background.  Self-portrait.....


And the second part.  My evil half.  I shouldn't say evil.  Though I guess it is evil.  It's my alter-ego, the protective bitch that makes me punch people in the face.  The part of me that is a cold hard survivor.  If you've ever seen the Star Trek episode where Kirk's barbarian side splits from his personality, that's kind of what it's like.  Kirk can't function without that side of himself and almost loses control of the ship thanks to his indecisiveness.  The point being that I NEED that evil side of me, even if it's only in emergency situations. With a career in the Emergency Medical Response field, you HAVE to be quick, instinctive, and in fight-or-flight mode a lot.  Even while helping people, your life is still priority.  You're no use to anyone dead.  So yeah.

But the problem is that I'm so good at cutting people out, it's no wonder my poor old heart is giving up on the idea of love.  Nobody ever said love is easy on any end but it's even harder when you consider the kind of emotional abuse I had to go through at a pretty young age.  I don't have the support that others do (family, siblings, home life, etc) so I'm seriously on my own when it comes to this.  Even friends who would normally help and give advice can't properly do so; how do you give advice to someone like me? It's hard.  I don't fault anyone for trying and I love hearing my friends' opinions, but we both know that practical advice on something as ridiculous as love and relationships from people who have never lived my life has no real solid grounds for being accurate.

And I hate this.  I hate losing friends and people I love because that bitch side of me says "you're too involved, back out now."  Like a damn two year old I listen, instead of being brave and facing these deepening relationships.  I never give myself to anyone.  It's no wonder every relationship I'm in has crashed and burned, some of them before they ever even took off.  Not that I'm at fault for everything...I do try.  Sometimes.  But I don't put everything in it.  I don't see the practicality and I feel that I'm not worth loving and being loved a hundred percent anyway.

The result? A deep, gnawing loneliness that I've noticed worsening in the past month or so, and that bitch side of me working even harder to push people away, because obviously being lonely is a sign of weakness that must be corrected the hard way.

Does anyone else have these fucked up mental problems? Just wondering....

8 comments :

  1. Love is a tricky thing isn't it? I grew up in a household that was devoid of any real GOOD role model for romantic love. And yet, I'm great at it. I have never been too afraid to love. I just love. I don't even know how people stop themselves. But when it comes to friendships, I'm not nearly as good. Perhaps because I have never seen the real benefits of friendship. Not sure. But I manage to lose friends easily, and hold on to good men with just as much ease. Weird. I think love is one of those things that never comes with a good explanation.

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    1. Haha I have to envy you. I'm so bad at loving. It's pathetic. Still I excel at friendships. I guess it's a give and take! Your comment is pretty insightful, because I love the benefits of friendship and have a very hard time seeing the benefits of love and relationships! But thanks for your comment :D It made me even more thankful for my friendship abilities (goes without saying I um, need to work on my relationship skills)

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  2. After reading this post I just want to give you a great big hug. My problem is I love people to a fault. There were a few years where I struggled with it but when Aaron came in to my life I found my love for not just him but everyone again. After the things I've been through, both known to the world and not, you would think I'd love with a little more caution but I can't help myself. I love without thought of how badly it will hurt me and even though usually it does end up slapping me in the face, I can't regret loving people because I'm pretty sure it's what I'm on this planet for.

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    1. A hug would be good! The kind of love you're talking about just terrifies the everliving crap out of me. I don't know that I'll ever be able to totally and completely love to a fault. So next time you feel like panicking just remember you're lucky to be able to have that ability! To me it's like a super power lol. But you are super hero material so that makes sense!

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  3. I think you're cutting yourself a little short. I can't say that I understand what all you're going through, coming from a background that is so completely different from your's, but I feel as though you're being overly harsh on yourself. You've been through hell. You've experienced a life that no one should have to go through. And now you're beating yourself up because you want to protect yourself from being hurt again. Love is difficult, even for those who grow up with it. It's hard to completely open yourself up and put yourself at someone else's mercy. When I think about how much I adore, love, and confide in my husband, I realize that with one word or action, he could completely destroy me; but it takes trust to believe that he won't because he loves me just as much. It's not easy, and I have to fight with myself often to maintain our relationship because there are times I want to push him away in order to protect myself.

    I'm not a shrink [although I have tons of advice running through my head, none of which are probably right]. But in my own very personal and not medically trained opinion, I think you should start focusing on being able to be the kind of person a friend will need before working on finding the love of your life. You can build a lasting relationship without trust or friendship.

    Sorry if that was too much. Feel free to email me and tell me to mind my own business.

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    1. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS ENGLISH GOSH (Napoleon Dynamite accent)

      You know, me being overly harsh on myself happens so often I really barely recognize it until someone else points it out. Then I look back over whatever it was I've said and think "yeah, god, I'm a bitch." So, thanks for pointing that out. I seriously am lost in self-discipline, it's retarded.

      Anyway, you're very right. I have a lot of good friends who come from good homes and they don't have love any more figured out than I do. Or maybe even if they do, love isn't overly kind to them. But when you talk about how much you love your husband, I get nervous and sweaty-palmed. I don't know that I'm anywhere near handling that kind of trust. I just can't fathom it. I don't know how you're not on a panic level every day.

      Anyway, after venting about this a bit I kind of feel the same way you do--that it's better for me to focus on friendships (and I'm REALLY good at those and I have friends who need me) and not force the issue of love. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. Nothing you say is ever too much madam!!! I loooove getting comments from you, seriously. I value your input like whoa.

      Some of that may be because you're a ginger. I won't lie. LOL

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    2. Also I love saying 'anyway' multiple times and sounding like a retard.

      ANYWAY WHATEVER

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    3. I agree with what English said: you don't give yourself enough credit!

      And when you are in a relationship, that trust builds. It's not like I trusted my husband when we were first together like I trust him now. After our years of being together (I make myself sound so old haha) we've learned to trust each other and it continues to grow. There are still things I don't trust him about (like not drinking hard alcohol when he's out with friends...he turns into a major ass) but I have hope that over time I'll be trusting because he'll show me that he can be trusted. You just have to give any relationship time!

      I'm great and my relationship with my husband but am not great at making friends. When I have a friend I will go to the end of the world for them, but I haven't the hardest time actually making friends. I'm awkward about stuff, don't know how to do 'small talk', etc, so you're lucky in that aspect!!

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