Whiny and sick and feeling like I want to murder everyone. I'm so wrapped up in annoyance and frustration over the fact that my novel is dragging that I can't focus on anything else. Or, at least, I couldn't.
Until I read this entry on one of my favorite blogs, the Nearsighted Owl. I've been following (read: stalking) Rachele for awhile now, and have always found her blog to be one of the most interesting, enlightening, and honest I've ever read.
I have male tendencies sometimes, in that when someone makes a statement, I take it at face value and I assume that it's always true and never changes. Despite the fact that I'm always fluctuating and changing. If someone says "I like my body" I assume that forever, every day, and every moment, they are perfectly happy with their body. I have no idea why my brain does this, because again my self-confidence is all over the radar and rarely stays the same. But it's just a weird part of how I am, maybe a reason why I lack connections with people, because usually when someone says "I'm fine" they're not. I rarely look further once I get an 'I'm fine.'
I digress from the point of this post. What I really was getting at is that in most of Rachele's posts, she comes across as confident and happy with her body, which is something I truly admire. I could relate to what she calls "paranoia" and I have the same issues about myself, both inside and outside of the blogosphere, over my very 'devout' (lol) stance on atheism. I feel like a big misfit, but I will always stand up for how I feel about it and I will always be myself. But still, sometimes it's disheartening being the weirdo. Or feeling like you are one, rather.
Anyway, the part that I read that even in my cough-syrup feverish daze made me kind of angry and kind of sad was the simple sentence: "I will probably never be the ModCloth Blogger of the Moment and nobody is going to draw my portrait or mold me out of paper or clay." Despite being pretty much just an online stalker, this made me sad because I think Rachele is beautiful! And I love reading her writing. And goddammit, I decided I would paint her portrait right then and there.
Either determination, or large doses of narcotics, worked in my favor:
I was so
drugged up....that I didn't really take pictures at good intervals. I also am not used to painting skin tones, or glasses...this may look amateurish. Oh, and I was SO PARANOID I'd put her nose ring in an "off" position. So even when my nerves are numbed by antibodies coursing through my system, I am apparently still a perfectionist and neurotic. Don't know how to feel about this.
Anyway, I love you Rachele!!! You've been inspiring me for months now. I love your blog and I hope you like the picture!