"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." -Walt Disney
I could probably blame Titanic, or I could blame the conversation I had with my friend David last night about true love (and why I am ceasing to believe in it and how that affects me negatively) but for whatever reason, today has just been a horrible day. I had nightmares about Sweden, just a bunch of disconnected events that left me waking up crying, and I haven't been able to shake my melancholy mood since then.
I registered for school today, and got into the EMT course I need.
I should be happy.
I should be thrilled that I'm fulfilling a personal dream; a goal that means more than I explain.
But I just felt nervous.
Part of my dreams last night included me being lost in a Swedish university, which I think was an outlet (or a brain troll) for me being so insecure about going back to school. I can't explain this insecurity at all; all I know is that "in my day" I was the teacher's pet. The perfect pupil. From biology to creative writing, I owned the classroom. Now I'm old, insecure, and in a program that teaches you how to be an Emergency Medical Technician. I have no idea what to expect. Who to expect. What to do. Just walking to the campus and registering for classes I felt like some horribly misplaced moron.
Yeah. That's how I feel doing EVERYTHING school-related anymore. And that's how I feel walking around in Sweden most of the time.
Anyway, despite the fact that I have a ballet, a Bach concert, a pedi/mani, a chiropractic exam and alignment to look forward to, I feel so down today. I hate having deep emotions in dreams that carry into my day. To better explain; I'd posted recently about my method to help finish my novel, which among other things included cutting out a friend. That friend was the focus of my dream last night, and this just proves my theory that my brain is the biggest fucking troll I know. I couldn't focus on writing/other things because of all the energy I spent thinking about other things and people (and he was one of the main ones) so of course, after I say my goodbyes and get re-focused on writing, my brain finds a way to bring the same person into my subconscious and turn them into a diabolical villain who is intent on hurting every feeling I have.
Well played, brain, but you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. And before I forget, a DIY. Or something of that nature:
My kitchen wall over the stove looks terrible. It has that layer of grime and filth you can only get from a stove manufactured in the 70's. I don't know what the orange layer of goo all over the walls that make it look like a Silent Hill game is actually made out of, but I know that everything, even bleach, won't do anything to take it off the walls. We're not allowed to paint our walls here, so I finally got sick enough to fake my way out of having a gross horrible wall.
The answer? Contact paper. 3 bucks a roll at Rite Aid.
I knew this stuff, despite being the bane of my existence when I was a teacher, would come in handy. And so it has. (I had a before pic but apparently deleted it out of my phone. My bad y'all.)
Here are a few quotes I'm loving, which keep me focused.