I have no idea what I'm doing.

"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." -Walt Disney

I could probably blame Titanic, or I could blame the conversation I had with my friend David last night about true love (and why I am ceasing to believe in it and how that affects me negatively) but for whatever reason, today has just been a horrible day. I had nightmares about Sweden, just a bunch of disconnected events that left me waking up crying, and I haven't been able to shake my melancholy mood since then.

I registered for school today, and got into the EMT course I need.

I should be happy.

I should be thrilled that I'm fulfilling a personal dream; a goal that means more than I explain.

But I just felt nervous.

Part of my dreams last night included me being lost in a Swedish university, which I think was an outlet (or a brain troll) for me being so insecure about going back to school. I can't explain this insecurity at all; all I know is that "in my day" I was the teacher's pet. The perfect pupil. From biology to creative writing, I owned the classroom. Now I'm old, insecure, and in a program that teaches you how to be an Emergency Medical Technician. I have no idea what to expect. Who to expect. What to do. Just walking to the campus and registering for classes I felt like some horribly misplaced moron.

Yeah. That's how I feel doing EVERYTHING school-related anymore.  And that's how I feel walking around in Sweden most of the time. 

Anyway, despite the fact that I have a ballet, a Bach concert, a pedi/mani, a chiropractic exam and alignment to look forward to, I feel so down today.  I hate having deep emotions in dreams that carry into my day.  To better explain; I'd posted recently about my method to help finish my novel, which among other things included cutting out a friend.  That friend was the focus of my dream last night, and this just proves my theory that my brain is the biggest fucking troll I know.  I couldn't focus on writing/other things because of all the energy I spent thinking about other things and people (and he was one of the main ones) so of course, after I say my goodbyes and get re-focused on writing, my brain finds a way to bring the same person into my subconscious and turn them into a diabolical villain who is intent on hurting every feeling I have.  

Well played, brain, but you can go fuck yourself.  

I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.  And before I forget, a DIY. Or something of that nature: 

My kitchen wall over the stove looks terrible.  It has that layer of grime and filth you can only get from a stove manufactured in the 70's.  I don't know what the orange layer of goo all over the walls that make it look like a Silent Hill game is actually made out of, but I know that everything, even bleach, won't do anything to take it off the walls.  We're not allowed to paint our walls here, so I finally got sick enough to fake my way out of having a gross horrible wall.

The answer? Contact paper.  3 bucks a roll at Rite Aid.

I knew this stuff, despite being the bane of my existence when I was a teacher, would come in handy. And so it has.  (I had a before pic but apparently deleted it out of my phone. My bad y'all.)

Here are a few quotes I'm loving, which keep me focused.

1 comment :

  1. I LOVE the wall, that's such a great idea!!

    It's probably a good thing that your brain is processing all the information about all the new things you are doing with your life, but I agree that it sucks when it does that. I'm sure you will move past it.

    Congrats on getting into the EMT class, I heard it's difficult yet so rewarding in the end!